The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Toronto Blue Jays

Orioles: Bedard will be at least a top 10 pitcher in the AL this year. Ditto Cabrera, if he ever finds the strike zone. I might be exaggerating just a little, but they're good those two.

THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS

Pitching: Roy Halladay is very good. B.J. Ryan is very good. A.J. Burnett could be very good (my fantasy team depends on it). The rest is crap. The reason I zoomed through that is because I wanted to spend more time talking about the newest addition to the Blue Jays' family: the inimitable Mr. Victor Zambrano.

Way back in 2004, Mr. Zambrano spent every fifth day of the first half of his season pitching for a team by the name of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Life was simple for Victor. He lived near the beach, drove a brand new Range Rover, and, for the most part, was not asked to win baseball games. In fact, all his organization asked of him was that he pitch well enough to improve his trade value which would enable him to escape baseball purgatory and enable the Devil Rays to reap a bounty for his services. Victor didn't perform at an overwhelming level in Tampa as evidenced by his exactly league average ERA. If you consider his 1.5+ WHIP and 1.2 K/BB ratio he was probably a below average pitcher. But Victor was also a 28-year-old making only $325,000 who threw in the mid-90s and that made him an appealing target for the front office of any team still in the playoff hunt. One such front office was that of the New York Mets.

The General Manager of the Mets at the time, Jim Duquette, was a formidable, but simple, man. Raised on a turnip farm in French Canada, Duquette learned from an early age the value of hard work and discipline when it came to turnip horticulture. As a youth he won several 4-H medals in the study and was a legitimate superstar in his field. Duquette, and the Mets, hoped that success in turnips would translate to success in operating a baseball franchise.

As the trade deadline loomed ever closer, Duquette found himself enamored by Victor Zambrano. But he didn't want to tip his hand. So he sent the Devil Rays a preliminary offer of a little known left-handed pitching prospect by the name of Scott Kazmir. Kazmir was slight of build, he looked more like a golfer than a pitcher, and was widely regarded as one of those high-risk, low-ceiling prospects. Duquette was unsure of his chances of landing Zambrano with such dubious bait, but he proposed it anyway and much to his delight, the Devil Rays accepted.

That was fun, wasn't it? NOW FOR REALITY. In reality, Scott Kazmir was a 20-year-old who was the Mets best pitching prospect since Dwight Gooden nearly two decades earlier. In reality, Kazmir held the Texas state high school single-season record for strikeouts, eclipsing by three the record then held by Josh Beckett (to put that in perspective both Nolan Ryan and Roger Clemens, one and two in all-time strikeouts, played high school baseball in Texas). In reality, Scott Kazmir was Baseball America's 2002 player of year and he was drafted 13th overall and given a Mets-team record $2.15 million signing bonus. In reality, Scott Kazmir struck out 34 batters in his first 18 innings of professional baseball at the age of 18-years-old. In reality, the Mets lost five straight after the trade and missed the playoffs by 25 games. In reality, Kazmir is now the Devil Rays franchise leader in strikeouts despite being only 22 and having pitched only 364 innings at the major league level. In reality, Jim Duquette is a f**king doofus (maybe it's in the genes???). Take that Mets-fans, you Bill Buckner-chanting, Mookie Wilson-loving a*******.

Hitting: That Kazmir thing took a lot out of me so this might be short. The "big bat" in the lineup presumably belongs to Vernon Wells, the man the Blue Jays overpaid to stay in Toronto. Don't get me wrong, there are more egregiously overpaid outfielders than Vernon Wells but that doesn't mean it's okay to give him $126 million dollars. I guess baseball finances are trending in that direction and I'm behind the times on what exactly $126 million dollars will get you nowadays. As for the rest: 39-year-old Frank Thomas was a nice addition to the lineup provided he can stay healthy and produce at the level he produced last year for Oakland. Troy Glaus and Lyle Overbay are solid corner infield bats at their prime and Alex Rios in the sole quality representative of Toronto's youth movement. The negative: for some reason Royce Clayton is their starting shortstop. And I can't get behind that.

Miscellaneous: The Kazmir rant probably falls under this category. But as a bonus, I think the Blue Jays should take a cue from Tampa Bay and shorten their name to just the Jays. The Toronto Jays. Sure it sounds stupid, but their uniforms and their stadium look stupid. In fact, they should call themselves the Toronto Stupid Jays. Canadian schmucks.

Stupid Jays related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/under on number of Scott Kazmir pitching performances I will try to get roommate and Mets' fan Rob to watch on mlb.tv this season: all of them. I know it's impossible, but I'd take the over.

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AMERICAN LEAGUE

Al East
Baltimore Orioles
Tampa Bay Devil Rays

AL Central
Minnesota Twins
Detroit Tigers
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals

NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs

NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks

The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Baltimore Orioles

Quick Devil Rays thought: Why do they exist? The Devil Rays are the greatest argument for contraction since Wyoming was introduced to the Union.

THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES

Pitching: In pitching coach Leo Mazzone's second year, there is cause for excitement for the Oriole faithful. Mazzone has the remarkable capability of getting a pitcher to pitch his absolute best. The problem, however, is that this starting rotation doesn't exactly have the highest ceiling in the world. There are four adequate starters (Bedard, Wright, Trachsel, and Cabrera), but none of them excite anyone. These are average to slightly-above-average starters. The bullpen, on the other hand, might be one of the best in baseball. They have three guys with closing experience (Ray, Baez, Williamson) and one of the better right handed set up men in the game (Bradford). There are few teams with which I'd feel more comfortable with a lead in the seventh.

Hitting: Like the Devil Rays, the poor Orioles have the misfortune of competing in the same division as the two biggest spenders in the sport. Miguel Tejada was the only big free agent that wanted to come compete with a team guaranteed not to compete. Since Miggy's arrival in Baltimore, it's been mostly overachievers like Melvin Mora and Brian Roberts. This offseason's biggest acquisition was Aubrey Huff, a hard worker with a nice stick, but nowhere near enough to compete with Ortiz-Ramirez or Giambi-Abreu-Rodriguez-Matsui.

Miscellaneous: How much do Orioles fans hate New Yorkers and Bostonians? I mean, unlike Tampa Bay, Baltimore loves their baseball team. And for a solid five years, their season is over before it begins. I'd be so bitter.

Orioles-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Realistic calculation on the amount of times Leo Mazzone, notorious for rocking back and forth, rocks in one season. Two hundred times per half inning times two to make a full inning times nine innings at an average of four hundred times per inning, multiplied by 162 games. Over/Under on amount of rocks this season: 583,200. I would not feel comfortable taking the under.


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AMERICAN LEAGUE

Al East
Tampa Bay Devil Rays

AL Central
Minnesota Twins
Detroit Tigers
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals

NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs

NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks

The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Tampa Bay Devil Rays

So here we are at the final division of this exhaustive exercise in futility. But before we get to the actual AL East (READ: Red Sox and Yankees) we have three teams to schlep through, most likely half-assedly. And before you give me the "the Blue Jays finished second last year" argument, go f**k yourself. It's a stupid argument and it holds no water.

THE TAMPA BAY (DEVIL) RAYS

Pitching: Remember when Edwin Jackson was a stud prospect for the Dodgers? I do. Sure he's still only 23 but you don't trade a 21-year-old pitching prospect unless you think he'll get hurt (Francisco Liriano) or you think he's not worth what everyone thinks he's worth (Brandon McCarthy). Ergo the trade of Edwin Jackson for the ultimately forgettable Lance Carter and Danys Baez. Of course if the trade bounty is Victor Zambrano, by all means trade the best young arm to come through your system since Dwight Gooden. That's right, I'm talking about the Mets trade of the super-awesome Scott Kazmir. Just something for Mets fans to think about... Anyway, the rest of the staff is incredibly forgettable.

Hitting: Great young outfield with three guys under 25: Rocco Baldelli, Carl Crawford, and Delmon Young, with Baldelli the most probable to be traded to make space for top prospect Elijah Dukes. Then there's Japanese import Akinori Iwamura, the least touted of the three Japanese players that posted this offseason. Iwamura might have 20 to 30 homerun power this season but he's little more than a placeholder for yet another Devil Rays top prospect, Evan Longoria. This is all without mentioning 22-year-old B.J. Upton whose poor defense is the only thing that's keeping him in his current super-utility role. The theme seems to be youth and potential. Bringing young players up early is a Catch-22 for this star-crossed franchise. The more major league service time these players have the better they will be but also the sooner they can leave for free agency. Oh, to be a professional baseball team in a market that probably shouldn't have a professional baseball team. How soon before we transfer the franchise to Puerto Rico and move a Triple-A team into that grotesque ballpark in St. Petersburg?

Miscellaneous: A two-parter. First, the Devil Rays are slated to change their team name from the "Devil Rays" to the "Rays" at some vague point at the very end of this season. I thought I'd have something funny to say about this, but I really don't. Second, Evan Longoria? No relation, I checked. And it's also not one of those Victor/Victoria, Juwanna Mann, Brandis in Ladybugs sort of things (I checked that too). Just an odd coincidence. Permit me, however, to imagine the pettite and incomparable Eva Longoria suiting up at third for the Devil Rays. Obviously her range factor would be non-existent in those heels and that short little tennis skirt she'd wear in the field, but the complete neutralization of left-handed batters is probably worth it. And for the right-handed batters maybe suit up some sexy young guy in board shorts at first. Righties are notorious bummers as proven by scientific fact (insert bisexual-switch hitter joke HERE). I'm completely convinced this is a good idea. Give Eva a low cut jersey with a pushup bra (she's not just pettite in height, unfortunately) and put a dolled-up Tony Parker in the front row behind the plate and you've got some Devil Rays games that I would watch. Additional gratuitous Eva pictures (from Maxim so I'm assuming SFW unless you work in a school and/or nunnery or you just don't want to be the pervert looking up Maxim pictures at work. Trust me, after the first few weeks it's old news and they stop talking about it behind your back.)

Devil Rays Related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Sorry can't come up with something. I'm still thinking about Eva Longoria.

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AMERICAN LEAGUE

AL Central
Minnesota Twins
Detroit Tigers
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals

NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs

NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks

The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Minnesota Twins

Quick Tigers thought: The Tigers have the 2004 Florida Marlins written all over them, right down to the crusty, old manager with lungs blacker than freshly laid tar.

THE MINNESOTA TWINS

Pitching: Keep an eye on a developing ace in the Twins organization. His name is Johan Santana and he's got decent stuff. Methinks he has the potential to eat up some innings for the Twins this year. He better have success, because the next five guys battling for the remaining four spots in the rotation had a combined 2006 record of 36-48.

Hitting: The Twinkies return the AL MVP (Morneau) and the best hitting catcher in the game (Mauer). They don't seem to have any intention of having these two talented hitters batting next to each other, a move most teams would call a no-brainer. You put your best two hitters at the 3-4 spots in the lineup, right? Not the Twins. They've decided to split them up, interjecting the middle of the order with the serviceable Michael Cuddyer. Before you question that decision, be reminded of two things: 1) Last year, Cuddyer hit 24 homeruns with 106 RBI and 102 runs scored. 2) The Twins won their division with the same strategy. So, I guess we'll let them go against the grain on this one.

One more note on their hitting. Any organization who includes a J. Bartlett on their team is all right in my book.

Miscellaneous: Boof Bonser is engaged to an old friend from my sophomore year of college, herein referred to as JC. We got along great, and under different circumstances, something definitely could have developed. My overwhelming loyalty to my at-the-time girlfriend put me in a position where I felt bad for liking JC as much as I did and lost contact with her perhaps one year after our friendship began. By the time I became single, we had lost touch and only recently did I realize we had a mutual very good friend. When I learned that he knew her, I got excited, only to be dejected by his revelation of her current situation. My point? I hate Boof Bonser.

Twins-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/Under on when I forget about JC dating a Major League Baseball pitcher: Roughly never.

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AMERICAN LEAGUE

AL Central
Detroit Tigers
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals

NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs

NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks

The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Detroit Tigers

From a young age I was taught to not let my personal life affect my professional life. But I've gone and done it. Illness and time constraints have forced my hand. Here's an abridged preview of the Detroit Tigers, or as I like to call them, the team that lost to the worst World Series Champion in history.

THE DETROIT TIGERS

Pitching: Their pitching was, hands down, the strength of their team last year and it will be again this year. There are some questions however. Can Kenny Rogers continue to be effective at the age of 42? Also, can he be effective without smearing the ball with pine tar and peanut butter? Will Justin Verlander suffer a sophomore slump after throwing the most innings of his young career last year? Is Jeremy Bonderman ready to accept his place as one of the best pitchers in the American League? Speaking of Bonderman there's a great passage in Michael Lewis' book Moneyball where Billy Beane throws a chair against a wall when he finds out the Athletics took Bonderman with the 26th overall pick in 2001. Beane hated drafting high school pitchers. Later that year they sent him to Detroit in a deal that eventually netted them Ted Lilly. YEESH. Bullpen: As long as Joel Zumaya is kept away from guitar-themed video games and Todd Jones isn't too preoccupied as the vice-president of Associated Bio-Engineers & Consultants they'll be golden.

Hitting: The Good: Carlos Guillen, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield, The Bad: Sean Casey, The Ugly: America Ferrera. Note on Sheffield: I say we put him in a room with Brian Cashman and tell him that we'll be back in a few hours and he can do whatever he wants without reprecussions. Does he just beat him mercilessly or does he murder him? That's a tough question. Everytime I talk myself into one answer I start second-guessing myself.

Miscellaneous: Mike Maroth is set to start the season as the number five starter. Maroth lost 21 games in 2003 for the historically bad, 119-loss team. Simply amazing. Ignominious stats like losses and strikeouts (for batters) are funny things. A player with a lot of either has performed poorly, but to his credit he was allowed to perform long enough to amass such a quantity. Either way Maroth is a pretty good option for a number five.

Tigers-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Number of times Sheffield gets approached by NAMBLA to be their celebrity sponsor simply by virtue of his shady quasi-moustache: three.


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American League

AL Central
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

National League

NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals

NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs

NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks

The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Chicago White Sox

Quick Indians thought: Grady Sizemore is my favorite non-Red Sox related player.

THE CHICAGO WHITE SOX

Pitching: The ChiSox have four big names loaded with a lot of talent. Names and talent, however, don't win on their own. Jose Contreras, Mark Beuhrle, Javier Vazquez, and Jon Garland are all capable of winning 15 games, but only Garland pulled it off, and even he stunk up the 2nd half of the season while posting a season long 4.51 ERA and getting bombed this spring. This is all my roundabout way of saying I don't know what to expect from these four potential aces, but if forced into a corner, we're looking at several 12-11 seasons.

The bullpen has two guys with closing experience, both of whom have great heat and good stuff. They can also be wild. They also both have the potential to have their arms fly into the 3rd base dugout after it snaps off at the shoulder. I mention this because they'll need both of these guys healthy, as no one else in that pen can pitch in the late innings. As long as these guys can go in the 8th and 9th, Chicago should be all right. But as soon as one of Thornton, Aardsma, or Masset is forced to strand the tying run on third base with one out in the eight, this team will have problems.

Hitting: I can't think of ten better lineups, so it looks like they make the top 10. Speed with a healthy Scotty Pods, smarts with veteran Darren Erstat, power with musclemen Jim Thome and Paul Konerko, clear the bases potential with Jermaine Dye, a jerk catcher who hits .300 and pumps up his teammates, and then a bottom third of the order that has exactly the positions you want at the bottom third - 2B, 3B, and SS. And Iguchi and Crede aren't even that bad of hitters.

Miscellaneous: Am I the only one that is infuriated by David Aardsma's existence in Major League Baseball? I mean, HIS name is going to appear before Henry Aaron's in the baseball encyclopedia? Really? Aardsma?

White Sox-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Line on the date when someone gets angry with the antics of manager Ozzie Guillen: Right now.

Previous Previews

AMERICAN LEAGUE

AL Central
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals

NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs

NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks

The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Cleveland Indians

THE CLEVELAND INDIANS


Pitching: At the age of 25, C.C. Sabathia enjoyed his finest season as a professional last year, striking out 172 and posted a 139 ERA+. It's too bad he's an oblique strain waiting to happen. Just watch, when his fat ass rolls off the mound to field a bunt he'll do something to land himself on the DL. Somehow, Sabathia is listed at 6'5", 250 lbs. If he's only 250 then I'm the idiot that paid $500,000 for Anna Nicole Smith's diaries. The remainder of the rotation is pretty solid with 24-year-old Jeremy Sowers holding down the fifth spot in the rotation. Sowers pitched well in 88 innings last year starting 14 games with 2 complete game shutouts but only striking out 35. Bullpen: It will cost them more wins than the average bullpen this season, I guarantee it.

Hitting: Very, very good - Travis Hafner, Grady Sizemore, and Victor Martinez. Pound for pound, Hafner is the most dangerous hitter in the AL right now and Sizemore is a lock for 30-30 and the Derek Jeter of the Midwest. Potential superstar third baseman Andy Marte will be just 23-years-old this season and was the reason they could trade Kevin Kouzmanoff, a guy that hit .389 in Double A last year, to San Diego for Josh Barfield. AND they have Trot Nixon. What's not to like? Quick note on Josh Barfield: his father, Jesse, was in the original RBI baseball which begs the question how many players featured in RBI baseball have offspring who now play in the majors? I came up with Cecil Fielder then got distracted when I google imaged him. Baseball has never seen a bigger ass. One year, Alam Trammell got caught in it's orbit and had to spend 60 days on the DL.

Miscellaneous: I'm tired of the Big Papi-Shrek comparisons. He looks nothing like Shrek and frankly I think it's a bit of a subconsciously racist association. Who really does look like Shrek is Travis Hafner. Look at the facial similarities, they're remarkable. Plus he has the ogrish nickname of "Pronk."

Indians-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/under on number of all-you-can-eat enchilada places C.C. Sabathia eats out of business: seven and a half.

Previous Previews

AMERICAN LEAGUE

AL Central
Kansas City Royals

AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners

NATIONAL LEAGUE

NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington

Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs

NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks