Editors' note: Every week, these two idiots will play a Pick 'Em NFL game. The object is for each editor to pick four seemingly even NFL matchups from the upcoming weekend, challenging the other pick to the winners. A running record will be tallied. Feel free to play along at home. Leave comments with your own picks if you want to go on the record.
Standings (Week 15 in parentheses)
Ian 27-17 (3-1)
Saj 19-25 (1-3)
As Ian so graciously pointed out to me, being 8 games back with two weeks to go means that I'm not technically eliminated. You know what that means? Comeback City, baby. Population: me. Week 15 boasts some of the toughest matchups of the year for you, Ian. Let's see if you at least get one of these right.
Tampa Bay at Cleveland (Sunday, 1:00pm)
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (Sunday, 1:00pm)
Cincinnati at Denver (Sunday, 4:15pm)
Philadelphia at Dallas (Monday, 5:00pm)
One of those is a trap game. And if you give me New England at Jacksonville, I will lose whatever respect I still have for you.
Why would I give you New England at Jacksonville? I just need you to get one more loss. No freebies yet. Instead, here are your four. Your back is against the wall. Because I kind of like you, I gave you all relevent games. Time to run the table:
Atlanta at Carolina (Sunday, 1:00) Winner is alive for the last playoff spot next week.
Tennessee at Buffalo (Sunday, 1:00) Yes, Tennessee counts is still alive. But will they be alive when they host the Pats next week?
New Orleans at NY Giants (Sunday, 1:00) This is the second straight year the Saints travel to New York, only this year it's fair.
San Diego at Seattle (Sunday, 4:15) I like this game. Twill be a treat on Christmas eve.
I knew I should have given you the Tennessee game. Stupid, stupid me. Okay, here goes (winning team in bold.)
Atlanta at Carolina
Carolina, a popular preseason choice to win the NFC, is freefalling faster than, well, something that falls really fast (Sorry, can't be clever right now, I have a vicious head cold and I've been whining about it for the last few days.) Right now they suck more balls than an Oklahoma meth-whore. And I'm trademarking meth-whore, by the way- they're the new crackwhores. As it's the holidays, I'm not going to look up who's starting at quarterback tomorrow, Weinke or Delhomme, mostly because it doesn't matter. What matters is that the Panthers are missing Mike Rucker, a Pro Bowl caliber pass rusher. If you're playing Michael Vick you need all the Pro Bowl caliber pass rushers you can get your grubby little hands on. Factor in Vick's pretty darn good performance last week and the Falcons knowing that they have to pretty much win out to make the playoffs and this looks like an Atlanta romp. Of course Vick's been a yo-yo all season and the Jim Mora-Falcons disparity between coaching prowess and team talent may be largest in the NFL, but I'm sticking with the Falcons.
Tennessee at Buffalo
Last week I picked against the Bills and Titans at home and got burned by J.P. Losman and Pacman Jones respectively. I really have no idea who to go with in this game so I'm going with the home team. The first rule about picking a Bills game in December: Don't talk about picking a Bills game in December. The second rule about picking a Bills game in December: Re-read the first rule.
New Orleans at NY Giants
The Giants are too much of a mess for me to pick them. And as a resident of New York City I would REALLY like to see them miss the playoffs so I could comiserate with Tom in the copy center at work about something besides the Knicks and Mets. Is it foolish to make my picks with such caprice? I say no.
San Diego at Seattle
I'm not sure what is a bigger gimme- this game or the Atlanta game. San Diego still has two things to play for: a bye and a number one seed. Meanwhile the Seahawks have been losing with gusto lately. They're two losses from missing the playoffs to the 49ers, a team that still has one of the worst point differentials in the league and, if San Francisco does win their division, possibly the worst ever point differential for a playoff team in the history of organized sports. I have faith in the Seahawks ability to screw it up. Plus very few things would make me happier than seeing the 49ers and the Packers make the playoffs. Basically a puppy and a kitty snuggling and Donald Trump defending Miss USA's alcohol, drug, and sex filled escapades in New York City exhaust the list.
Okay, so all it takes to put you away is one win? Time to play prevent defense. Strategem: There's no WAY all four visiting teams will win. I'm taking all the homies. I don't need to win with style. I just need to win. And at least one home team will win.
Game 1: Tampa Bay @ Cleveland: Frankly, this is the reason I went with the four home teams tactic. What kind of jerk assigns this game? I don't even want to think about it. Pick: Cleveland
Game 2: Baltimore @ Pittsburgh: Steelers close very well. I think they shut down Baltimore's offense this week. I've decided the Ravens are the team I want the Patriots to visit in the second round. San Diego is scary even with that shaky playoff coach, and Indy already beat the Patriots in Foxboro. The Pats would need a Baltimore win here to make this path possible, but I don't see it happening. Pick: Pittsburgh
Game 3: Cincinatti @ Denver: Cutler finally has a notch in his belt. Now he gets to go home to Denver as a winner, and Denver is a tough enough place to play in without a cocky, talented QB on the other side. I feel like no one is talking about this game, but this is the most important game of the weekend. These guys are in the drivers seat for the last two playoff spot, but one of them has to lose, opening the door for SIX TEAMS below them. Pick: Denver
Game 4: Philadelphia @ Dallas: The winner of this game plays the Bears in the AFC Championship game. Just so you know. And since I've been saying it all year, don't be surprised when I say - Pick: Dallas
Side note: When I was writing about the ideal path for the Patriots, it came to mind that the ideal contending team to see in the first round would be a visiting Jacksonville team. However, Jacksonville does not make the playoffs if they lose this weekend. And who are the Jaguars playing this weekend? The Patriots.
So be fully prepared for me to remind everyone of this. If the Patriots lose, it was because Coach Belichick wanted them to.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
NFL Week 15 Recap (and more)
Before the football, some quick hits: And by quick I mean Carmelo Anthony and by hits I mean bitch slaps. It's the holiday season and the only thing more cliche than an extended Christmas metaphor is a bullet-pointed rundown of the fallout from the Knicks-Nuggets holiday brawl (video.) I'd do a "Winners" and "Losers" thing but nobody ever wins when something like this happens. Except for the sports media and the cross-section of basketball and ultimate fighting fans (READ: males).
To begin, David Stern meted out some holiday justice in the form of 47 games worth of suspensions:
- Carmelo Anthony: Melo led the charge with a fifteen game suspension for his half punch, half bitch slap of Mardy Collins (it should have been an extra 10 for running away from Jared Jeffries). Honestly, it's like Carmelo Anthony is engaged in a character battle against himself. First he begins to emerge as one of the best players in the NBA, and makes that sick commercial with the tennis balls drill. Then he appears in a "stop snitching" video for a Baltimore drug dealer. Then he donates $1.5 million to build a Youth Center. And now this. Carmelo, you have to realize that you are too important to your team to be the one sucker-punching faceless rookies and getting suspended. Leave that s*** to Nene: a 15 games suspension for him means the Nuggets don't have to pay him.
- Nate Robinson: Lil' Nate got ten games and proved to be the most volatile guy on the court; getting is J.R. Smith's face after Smith was the one who was egregiously fouled. The suspension was more for the foxtrot he did with J.R. into a bunch of fans than the shoving and posturing. In Madison Square Garden those seats are expensive and those fans are important. Nate Robinson sidenote: watch how he thought twice about getting into it with Carmelo as Carmelo was retreating from an enraged Jared Jeffries. My money is probably on Nate in that contest. Once he gets inside Anthony's arms he could do some damage. He's a little ball of intensity with the short guy chip on his shoulder. It's just too bad we didn't find out.
- J.R. Smith: The real loser here. Ten games because he was bodyslammed by Mardy Collins then tackled by Nate Robinson.
- Mardy Collins: Six games. I'm not sure if he gets suspended if a fight doesn't break out, but he definitely gets fined. Nobody believes Collins was just trying to keep Smith from dunking and nobody believes his coach didn't tell him to slam Smith into the floor. He's an eleventh man rookie, he does what he's told when he's told to do it.
- Jared Jeffries: Jeffries got four games for his dedicated pursuit of Carmelo Anthony that left coaches, officials, and teammates strewn about in his wake. It's impressive he got as far down the court as he did.
- Nene and Jerome James: A game each for leaving the bench. Completely useless suspensions that were thrown in to remind players to not leave the bench during an altercation. Slightly more damaging to the teams might be the high probability that both these guys will spend their off days eating Krispy Kremes and chugging the grease from the Frialator at McDonald's. Get it? They're fat.
Of the non-suspended parties:
- Denver Nuggets: A paltry $500,000 franchise fine pales in comparison with the loss of their two leading scorers in Anthony and Smith. On the plus side Eduardo Najera earns an expanded role for fifteen games, and that can never be bad for a Denver team that's in seventh place in the ultra-competitive Western Conference.
- New York Knicks: So they lose Collins (a garbage time rookie) Robinson (a feisty yet limited guard) and Jeffries (a guy who has been hurt for most of the season anyway.) It's almost like David Stern was doing Isaiah a favor. Perhaps more importantly, they lost any dignity they still had.
- Isaiah Thomas: speaking of losing dignity at a precipitous pace, Isaiah basically said, without saying it, that he ordered the foul on Smith. No one would ever interpret telling Carmelo Anthony to stay out of the paint as telling him that he should not still be in the game, as Thomas claims, and he's a fool for thinking that would fly. If you're going to do something, do it right. Sign up Bill Laimbeer as an assistant coach and teach Eddy Curry how to throw those elbows around. I hope beyond hope that Isaiah is still the coach of this team next year. The demise of the Knicks is one of the most entertaining things for a non-New York sports fan living in New York alongside Eli Manning's interception at the end of this week's Eagles game and seeing A-Rod being irrationally mistreated by the media.
- George Karl: For embarassing the Knicks, he's my new favorite head coach in the NBA. It's just too bad he was punished so severely by losing Smith and Anthony for a combined 25 games. The message is pretty clear: don't f*** with the NBA's flagship franchise, even if they're playing like the Phoenix Mercury right now.
Thoughts? Football? Holiday cheer?
Holy smokes, Saj. You've never had a larger post, and the NBA isn't even one of your main two sports. I'm sick of agreeing with you on most issues, so I'm not going to opine on this subject. If anyone cares what I think, just re-read Saj's mammoth post.
As thrilled as I am with the Celtics recent surge, I cannot deny that 'tis the season of football. The NFC is remarkably tight for that last playoff spot. The Eagles should capture the 5 seed, leaving SEVEN teams within a game of each other for the last playoff spot. In the AFC, there are EIGHT teams within one game of each other for the two wildcard spots. To delve into all of them would send this thread over 2,000 words with only one post each.
So I'll use this time for a couple questions. Who do you think takes the last NFC playoff spot and who takes the last two AFC playoff spots?
Got the message, let's keep this short. This is a very confusing playoff picture, and since nobody really reads our blog I won't take the time to sort it out. Or will I? What I will say is that Philly is no lock to make the playoffs just yet. If they lose to Dallas this weekend and Atlanta beats Carolina, you're looking at a Week 17 Falcons-Eagles matchup which could be a do or die for both these teams, assuming the Giants win out against the Saints and the Redskins. From there it gets a little confusing. For instance, if the Eagles lose out and the Vikings win out, and only one of Atlanta and NY Giants hits a 9-7 record, the Vikings are in the playoffs by virtue of a better conference record than Philadelphia. There are other scenarios which you can work out here and here if you want to drive yourself nuts. My prediction: Eagles, Falcons.
For the AFC, Cincinnati and NY Jets. Why? Because I can feel it in me bones.
No way the Jets make it. I refuse to believe such a bad team can make the playoffs in a difficult conference. I'm glad Cincinnati lost last night, as they would have scared the heck out of me as a 5 seed. But then so would the Chiefs, and those are the two teams I expect to grab those last two spots. (NFC - Eagles and Giants)
Can you justify anything better than one and done for the Patriots? What do yer bones tell you?
Can I justify more than a one and done for the Patriots? Sure. You're talking to the guy who talked himself into thinking mixed berry mentos were a suitable substitute for fruits and vegetables in the food pyramid. My rationalization skills know no bounds.
Having no integrity allows me to suspend reality when it comes to picking NFL games. Here's a rundown of the Patriots road to the Superbowl this season: Beat the Jets at home, beat the Chargers in San Diego, DEMOLISH the Colts in Indianapolis, and finally allow the NFC champions to concede in lieu of actually playing the Superbowl, provided that the head coach of the opposing team gets a giant Patriots tattoo on his ass and walks down Tremont Street pantless, bent over, and backwards. What say you?
There's a gay joke in there about what my bones tell me about a pantless, bent over, NFL coach, but since I'd be the butt of that joke it's best left unsaid.
To begin, David Stern meted out some holiday justice in the form of 47 games worth of suspensions:
- Carmelo Anthony: Melo led the charge with a fifteen game suspension for his half punch, half bitch slap of Mardy Collins (it should have been an extra 10 for running away from Jared Jeffries). Honestly, it's like Carmelo Anthony is engaged in a character battle against himself. First he begins to emerge as one of the best players in the NBA, and makes that sick commercial with the tennis balls drill. Then he appears in a "stop snitching" video for a Baltimore drug dealer. Then he donates $1.5 million to build a Youth Center. And now this. Carmelo, you have to realize that you are too important to your team to be the one sucker-punching faceless rookies and getting suspended. Leave that s*** to Nene: a 15 games suspension for him means the Nuggets don't have to pay him.
- Nate Robinson: Lil' Nate got ten games and proved to be the most volatile guy on the court; getting is J.R. Smith's face after Smith was the one who was egregiously fouled. The suspension was more for the foxtrot he did with J.R. into a bunch of fans than the shoving and posturing. In Madison Square Garden those seats are expensive and those fans are important. Nate Robinson sidenote: watch how he thought twice about getting into it with Carmelo as Carmelo was retreating from an enraged Jared Jeffries. My money is probably on Nate in that contest. Once he gets inside Anthony's arms he could do some damage. He's a little ball of intensity with the short guy chip on his shoulder. It's just too bad we didn't find out.
- J.R. Smith: The real loser here. Ten games because he was bodyslammed by Mardy Collins then tackled by Nate Robinson.
- Mardy Collins: Six games. I'm not sure if he gets suspended if a fight doesn't break out, but he definitely gets fined. Nobody believes Collins was just trying to keep Smith from dunking and nobody believes his coach didn't tell him to slam Smith into the floor. He's an eleventh man rookie, he does what he's told when he's told to do it.
- Jared Jeffries: Jeffries got four games for his dedicated pursuit of Carmelo Anthony that left coaches, officials, and teammates strewn about in his wake. It's impressive he got as far down the court as he did.
- Nene and Jerome James: A game each for leaving the bench. Completely useless suspensions that were thrown in to remind players to not leave the bench during an altercation. Slightly more damaging to the teams might be the high probability that both these guys will spend their off days eating Krispy Kremes and chugging the grease from the Frialator at McDonald's. Get it? They're fat.
Of the non-suspended parties:
- Denver Nuggets: A paltry $500,000 franchise fine pales in comparison with the loss of their two leading scorers in Anthony and Smith. On the plus side Eduardo Najera earns an expanded role for fifteen games, and that can never be bad for a Denver team that's in seventh place in the ultra-competitive Western Conference.
- New York Knicks: So they lose Collins (a garbage time rookie) Robinson (a feisty yet limited guard) and Jeffries (a guy who has been hurt for most of the season anyway.) It's almost like David Stern was doing Isaiah a favor. Perhaps more importantly, they lost any dignity they still had.
- Isaiah Thomas: speaking of losing dignity at a precipitous pace, Isaiah basically said, without saying it, that he ordered the foul on Smith. No one would ever interpret telling Carmelo Anthony to stay out of the paint as telling him that he should not still be in the game, as Thomas claims, and he's a fool for thinking that would fly. If you're going to do something, do it right. Sign up Bill Laimbeer as an assistant coach and teach Eddy Curry how to throw those elbows around. I hope beyond hope that Isaiah is still the coach of this team next year. The demise of the Knicks is one of the most entertaining things for a non-New York sports fan living in New York alongside Eli Manning's interception at the end of this week's Eagles game and seeing A-Rod being irrationally mistreated by the media.
- George Karl: For embarassing the Knicks, he's my new favorite head coach in the NBA. It's just too bad he was punished so severely by losing Smith and Anthony for a combined 25 games. The message is pretty clear: don't f*** with the NBA's flagship franchise, even if they're playing like the Phoenix Mercury right now.
Thoughts? Football? Holiday cheer?
Holy smokes, Saj. You've never had a larger post, and the NBA isn't even one of your main two sports. I'm sick of agreeing with you on most issues, so I'm not going to opine on this subject. If anyone cares what I think, just re-read Saj's mammoth post.
As thrilled as I am with the Celtics recent surge, I cannot deny that 'tis the season of football. The NFC is remarkably tight for that last playoff spot. The Eagles should capture the 5 seed, leaving SEVEN teams within a game of each other for the last playoff spot. In the AFC, there are EIGHT teams within one game of each other for the two wildcard spots. To delve into all of them would send this thread over 2,000 words with only one post each.
So I'll use this time for a couple questions. Who do you think takes the last NFC playoff spot and who takes the last two AFC playoff spots?
Got the message, let's keep this short. This is a very confusing playoff picture, and since nobody really reads our blog I won't take the time to sort it out. Or will I? What I will say is that Philly is no lock to make the playoffs just yet. If they lose to Dallas this weekend and Atlanta beats Carolina, you're looking at a Week 17 Falcons-Eagles matchup which could be a do or die for both these teams, assuming the Giants win out against the Saints and the Redskins. From there it gets a little confusing. For instance, if the Eagles lose out and the Vikings win out, and only one of Atlanta and NY Giants hits a 9-7 record, the Vikings are in the playoffs by virtue of a better conference record than Philadelphia. There are other scenarios which you can work out here and here if you want to drive yourself nuts. My prediction: Eagles, Falcons.
For the AFC, Cincinnati and NY Jets. Why? Because I can feel it in me bones.
No way the Jets make it. I refuse to believe such a bad team can make the playoffs in a difficult conference. I'm glad Cincinnati lost last night, as they would have scared the heck out of me as a 5 seed. But then so would the Chiefs, and those are the two teams I expect to grab those last two spots. (NFC - Eagles and Giants)
Can you justify anything better than one and done for the Patriots? What do yer bones tell you?
Can I justify more than a one and done for the Patriots? Sure. You're talking to the guy who talked himself into thinking mixed berry mentos were a suitable substitute for fruits and vegetables in the food pyramid. My rationalization skills know no bounds.
Having no integrity allows me to suspend reality when it comes to picking NFL games. Here's a rundown of the Patriots road to the Superbowl this season: Beat the Jets at home, beat the Chargers in San Diego, DEMOLISH the Colts in Indianapolis, and finally allow the NFC champions to concede in lieu of actually playing the Superbowl, provided that the head coach of the opposing team gets a giant Patriots tattoo on his ass and walks down Tremont Street pantless, bent over, and backwards. What say you?
There's a gay joke in there about what my bones tell me about a pantless, bent over, NFL coach, but since I'd be the butt of that joke it's best left unsaid.
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