So here we are at the final division of this exhaustive exercise in futility. But before we get to the actual AL East (READ: Red Sox and Yankees) we have three teams to schlep through, most likely half-assedly. And before you give me the "the Blue Jays finished second last year" argument, go f**k yourself. It's a stupid argument and it holds no water.
THE TAMPA BAY (DEVIL) RAYS
Pitching: Remember when Edwin Jackson was a stud prospect for the Dodgers? I do. Sure he's still only 23 but you don't trade a 21-year-old pitching prospect unless you think he'll get hurt (Francisco Liriano) or you think he's not worth what everyone thinks he's worth (Brandon McCarthy). Ergo the trade of Edwin Jackson for the ultimately forgettable Lance Carter and Danys Baez. Of course if the trade bounty is Victor Zambrano, by all means trade the best young arm to come through your system since Dwight Gooden. That's right, I'm talking about the Mets trade of the super-awesome Scott Kazmir. Just something for Mets fans to think about... Anyway, the rest of the staff is incredibly forgettable.
Hitting: Great young outfield with three guys under 25: Rocco Baldelli, Carl Crawford, and Delmon Young, with Baldelli the most probable to be traded to make space for top prospect Elijah Dukes. Then there's Japanese import Akinori Iwamura, the least touted of the three Japanese players that posted this offseason. Iwamura might have 20 to 30 homerun power this season but he's little more than a placeholder for yet another Devil Rays top prospect, Evan Longoria. This is all without mentioning 22-year-old B.J. Upton whose poor defense is the only thing that's keeping him in his current super-utility role. The theme seems to be youth and potential. Bringing young players up early is a Catch-22 for this star-crossed franchise. The more major league service time these players have the better they will be but also the sooner they can leave for free agency. Oh, to be a professional baseball team in a market that probably shouldn't have a professional baseball team. How soon before we transfer the franchise to Puerto Rico and move a Triple-A team into that grotesque ballpark in St. Petersburg?
Miscellaneous: A two-parter. First, the Devil Rays are slated to change their team name from the "Devil Rays" to the "Rays" at some vague point at the very end of this season. I thought I'd have something funny to say about this, but I really don't. Second, Evan Longoria? No relation, I checked. And it's also not one of those Victor/Victoria, Juwanna Mann, Brandis in Ladybugs sort of things (I checked that too). Just an odd coincidence. Permit me, however, to imagine the pettite and incomparable Eva Longoria suiting up at third for the Devil Rays. Obviously her range factor would be non-existent in those heels and that short little tennis skirt she'd wear in the field, but the complete neutralization of left-handed batters is probably worth it. And for the right-handed batters maybe suit up some sexy young guy in board shorts at first. Righties are notorious bummers as proven by scientific fact (insert bisexual-switch hitter joke HERE). I'm completely convinced this is a good idea. Give Eva a low cut jersey with a pushup bra (she's not just pettite in height, unfortunately) and put a dolled-up Tony Parker in the front row behind the plate and you've got some Devil Rays games that I would watch. Additional gratuitous Eva pictures (from Maxim so I'm assuming SFW unless you work in a school and/or nunnery or you just don't want to be the pervert looking up Maxim pictures at work. Trust me, after the first few weeks it's old news and they stop talking about it behind your back.)
Devil Rays Related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Sorry can't come up with something. I'm still thinking about Eva Longoria.
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