THE OAKLAND ATHLETICS
Pitching: I was going to make a "If Rich Harden's arm doesn't hold up he could always go by Dick Harden and start directing pornography" joke but I feel like I've read it in print before. It's like Bill Simmons has invaded my subconscious and planted an irreverence tree. But speaking of Harden, he's very good (at baseball, not directing pornography). Technically speaking, he can throw the ball very, very fast. Faster than even me (I'm more of a finesse guy anyway). Playing in the cavernous ballpark that made Barry Zito a hundred-millionaire, Rich Harden could win the Cy Young this year (provided Johan Santana has kidney failure in May). I must emphasize the word "COULD" because Rich Harden is coming off two straight injury-plagued seasons and that is worrisome for a guy of his average-size frame (6'1", 180) who throws 98 mph with consistency. Last year he had a ligament strain in his throwing elbow which limited him to only 46 innings. Harden has said that his changeup was the pitch that lead to the injury and he'll be more careful with it this year, but I'm skeptical he'll stay healthy all season. But his K/9 this spring is 16.5 and he's been lights out so what the hell do I know. As for the rest: Dan Haren, Huston Street, and Justin Duchscherer are good but for the Athletics to overcome their anemic offense they must have a full, healthy, productive season out of Harden.
Hitting: Remember when Eric Chavez went in the first three rounds of a fantasy draft? It was a simpler time back then. Before "24" was a smash hit and before the kids starting using the myspace and watching the youtube. Now he's the 14th ranked third baseman in Yahoo. Whether it's a function of the wealth of quality third basemen or the perception of Chavez's decline, I don't know. Chavez will be only 29 this season and while he still has trouble hitting lefties, his walk totals are trending upwards and he should slug between .450 and .500. For those of you who are reading this, it is for you to decide if this is sound baseball analysis or a clever ruse to up his trade value so I can pawn him off on somebody. Listen to me, Eric, I need a big April from you. As for the rest, Mike Piazza finally gets to be what he's always truly been, a designated hitter. It's like a middle-aged divorced man finally taking that vacation to Fire Island he fantasized about. No need to fantasize any longer, Mike. I just wish you would have stopped lying to yourself years ago. I mean, with that moustache? It practically screams DH. And I'm not a DH-phobe. Big Papi is a DH and he's one of my favorite players. I love DHs (but not in that way). I'm just saying that you fit the stereotypical profile of a designated hitter. Not that there's anything wrong with that or anything.
Miscellaneous: Oakland fans, if you want fans of other teams to take you seriously 1) get a haircut. When I was at Game 3 of the Sox-A's ALDS in 2003 there was a long-haired A's fan sitting near my section. He looked like a half-as-tall Barry Zito. You're an Athletics fan in Fenway Park. You already appear soft. Nothing makes you look like more of a douchebag than your hippy haircut and your "I'm about to cry" eyes as you're escorted out of your section by policemen in the fourth inning because the home fans were relentlessly hounding you. Go listen to Radiohead, asshole. 2) Petition your team to trash the white shoes. They're hideous, almost like orthopedic shoes that special kids wear. You have two options: get some black spikes and wear them like men or trade in your luxury team bus for the short bus with the padded windows.
Athletics-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/under on number of times I vomit at the unsightliness of McAfee Coliseum: every time I see it's disgusting, empty green seats on the Sportscenter highlights.
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