Football Friday: Week 15

Editors' note: Every week, these two idiots will play a Pick 'Em NFL game. The object is for each editor to pick four seemingly even NFL matchups from the upcoming weekend, challenging the other pick to the winners. A running record will be tallied. Feel free to play along at home. Leave comments with your own picks if you want to go on the record.

Standings (Week 14 in parentheses)

Ian 24-16 (2-2)
Saj 18-22 (2-2)

You must have been feeling pretty good last week at 4:00. I was sitting at 0-2 with Tennessee in overtime, while you were at 2-0 with two home teams still to play. And as good as you were feeling at 4:00 is how bad you must have been feeling on Monday night, when a potential huge swing was relegated to both of us going 2-2 on the week and you making up no ground.

Now, with three weeks of football to play, you need to make up 6 games. I'll do the math for you, because you're just a lawyer. If I go 1-3 for the rest of the season and you go 3-1 for the rest of the season, we tie in the overall standings. And since I never go worse than 1-3, it sounds like you're going to need a couple perfect weeks down the stretch.

Good luck with that. Your picks:

Miami at Buffalo (Sunday, 1:00) - Wait...is the AFC East not that bad afterall?

Jacksonville at Tennesee (Sunday, 1:00) - The Patriots' final two opponents.

Pittsburgh at Carolina (Sunday, 1:00) - Over-rated. Clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Dallas at Atlanta (Saturday, 8:00) - Yes, all 1:00 games. Your season could be over by 4.


You are such a trick. But replace the "tr" with a "d." Dick. That's it. You are such a dick. Here are your games:

NY Jets at Minnesota (Sunday, 1:00) - You hear that? That's the sound of the Jets breaking the hearts of the ten fans they still have left.

Denver at Arizona (Sunday, 4:05) - Denny Green might have bigger breasts than Bill Parcells.

Philadelphia at NY Giants (Sunday, 4:15) - You think Jeff Garcia could get away with going by J-Gar? Me neither.

Cincinnati at Indianapolis (Monday, 8:30) - Great Monday night matchup.

Go to it, hoss.


Only tricks call other people tricks. By the way, I've held you in high regard and you're a good friend. (Kill 'em with kindness, baby. Kill 'em with kindness.)

Game 1: NY Jets @ Minnesota: It's the first playoff game of the year! Both of these teams are one loss away from their season being over. It's actually a pretty tough game to call, as both teams are so inconsistent in their production. When in doubt, I usually go through this thought process: Who would Saj take? Well, I know he'd pick against the Jets in this situation, do he'd go with the Vikings. Therefore, I will go with the Jets. Pick: New York

Game 2: Denver @ Arizona: How much further can Denver fall? In early November this was a Superbowl contender. Now, in mid-December they're fighting for their playoff lives. Jay Cutler has yet to win a game. You know a Jake Plummer-led Broncos team would beat the Cardinals this weekend. I can't say the same for Jay Cutler, as despite the difficult schedule, he's winless in the NFL. The Cardinals are playing better of late, and you gotta figure Leinart is only improving down the stretch. Throw in that this game is in Arizona, and I'd be leaning towards them. However, I see a scenario developing. Cutler, via preformance or injury, won't finish this game. What's more, this is Plummer's return to the desert where he played his first six seasons, and that's always motivation for athletes. If Cutler struggles, I really think Coach Shanahan goes back to the Snake. Pick: Denver

Game 3: Philadelphia @ NY Giants: Game of the Week. These two teams hate each other. These two fanbases hate each other. The unborn fetuses of these two cities hate each other. It's that bad. Throw in the fact that these are the current 5 and 6 seeds in the conference, but the loser will drop down with an Atlanta win, and that makes this a yuge, yuge game. This is another difficult one to call because the Eagles could be 3-10 going to Giants stadium to play ab 11-2 Giants team and Philly might win. It's like UNC-Duke when one of the teams is in a down year. When they play, anything could happen. I think this game comes down to JGar being able to make more plays than EMan. EMan has yet to play well in a big game, and this is one of them. JGar is the wiley vet who has thrown 8 touchdowns to no intereceptions in his last 3 games. I love Philly doing all this without T.O. and now McNabb. This should really prove how absurd enormous contracts are in football. Anyway, since I can't pick two New York teams to win on one weekend, I gotta go the other way on this one. Pick: Philadelphia

Game 4: Cincinnati @ Indianapolis: This was the other game I was thinking about giving you. This will be the first time in Indy's slump that I will pick against them. (Apologies ahead of time if this singlehandedly turns their season around.) Still, they have yet to prove they can stop the run without putting 8 men in the box, and you canNOT put 8 men in the box against Palmer & Co. You just can't. We definitely have potential for a 40something to 30something game, but in the end, the team that can control the clock will come out on top. Pick: Cincinnati


Listen, Ian, I know I'm terrible at this and I need an 0-4 week from you but I draw the line at accepting charity. Come on, give me your real picks. As for me, the comeback starts... NOW.

(pick in bold)

Miami at Buffalo

The question any NFL fan has to ask themselves: is handing the keys to your team to J.P. Losman a bad decision or a bad decision? That's not a typo, there' s really only one option. And good news for the cold-averse Dolphins: it should be close to 50 degrees in "frigid" Buffalo this weekend. This just continues to prove my assertion that professional sports is the single aspect of civilization that will be most affected by global warming. And since I don't care to offer any real football analysis for this pick, here's a New York Jets knock-knock joke:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Chad Pennington"
"Chad Pennington who?"
"Chad Pennington has the arm of seven year old retarded child who also suffers from early onset advanced amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (Lou Gehrig's disease). Oh, and you probably should have drafted Matt Leinart."

Jacksonville at Tennessee

Jacksonville has had the most predictable inconsistent season in the NFL. Of their five losses, four of them have come against Washington, Houston, and Buffalo. They've beaten the Cowboys, Eagles, Giants, and Colts. What does this mean for this week's game at Tennessee? At first glance, it looks like another Jaguars loss- but wait just a second here. Tennessee has won four out of its last five, including wins over the aforementioned Eagles, Giants, and Colts. So they're playing pretty well. They might actually be a GOOD team at this point in the season. Pretty sneaky, Jacksonville, but you're going to win this game.

Pittsburgh at Carolina

Let me put it this way: you could have a roster full of Steve Smiths with another practice squad with more Steve Smiths and even some Chris Gambles, Julius Pepperses, and D'Angelo Williamses, and you would still lose almost every game you play if you were starting Chris Weinke at quarterback. Remember Weinke, the 28 year old who stole the Heisman trophy from Josh Heupel in 2000? Good news for Weinke though: as a member of the All-suck Heisman team he gets to be the one to hand Troy Smith a clipboard and/or tell him he has to switch to safety to even make it three years in the NFL on draft day. Apparently Danny Wuerffel and Eric Crouch are busy; the spring/summer season is a hectic one in the used car business. Wow, that was mean and completely baseless.

Dallas at Atlanta

Tony Romo showed me something last week. Namely that he sucks, but the NFL and opposing defenses just had to see it first to believe it. In lieu of actual football analysis, I offer you a link about some 17 year old Marcus Vick banged for almost two years. Apparently she was a honors student, but it took her two years to figure out that having intercourse with a star college athlete who has a rich famous star professional athlete brother was the wrong thing to do. I especially like the part about Marcus Vick telling her he "loved her" and that he wanted her "to have his child." Seems about par for the course when compared to the 6-under Kevin Federline must have pulled over Britney Spears before he got her to marry him. I'm not sure if that golf analogy works. POPOZAO!

Miami, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Atlanta. The only home team I picked was Atlanta, and they're playing a team that, two weeks ago, was earmarked for the second seed in the NFC. Should I just concede now?


Yes, I'm waiting for your concession call so I can make a ballroom full of people very, very happy.