NFL: Superbowl Recap

Last night, our blog redeemed itself, if that was even still possible. After Saj and I got swept during the Championship round, we’ve come back with a vengeance. Before I get into the gloating portion of my post, let me just applaud Saj for pulling off a great joke when we made our picks last Friday. His out-of-left-field, convoluted supporting arguments (Brady dates Giselle…ha!) were perfect examples of the contrived reasons Colts haters and casual fans came up with in order to pick the team they wanted to win instead of the team that was going to win.

What I’m most proud of is not my pick, because that was the easy part. It’s the fact that I was so sure this would happen in the face of the out-of-control Bears bandwagon that had gained steam. For two weeks, it was en vogue to pick the Bears, while picking Manning and the Colts was decidedly uncool. As usual, I embrace uncool as if it were my brother.

Before I get into a lengthy list about my accurate predictions, I should address the few things I was wrong about. The most glaring example is that the Colts backfield was quite impressive. I maintain that this was not possible without their stalwart air attack, but I privately (and now publically) acknowledged to Saj that I ‘misnomer’ed the Colts as a “one-dimensional offense.”

Another example of an erred prediction was the one that said I would not stay up for the entire games. This, of course, turned out to be false once I realized I might miss history. I was worried that I'd be turning off the Superbowl that could set the record for fumbles and turnovers.

Okay, now on to the gloating. Here’s the Top 10 things I was right about in Superbowl XLI.

1. First, the AFC Champ outclassed the NFC Champ in every conceivable stat. This was as predictable as anything. Just like that NFC run of the 80’s and 90’s, the superior conference produced the team that was battle tested and simply better. You could count on them winning the Superbowl regardless of the record of the team from the inferior conference.

2. The Bears defense is not that good for the three reasons I outlined, none more significant than their less than stellar play since the loss of Tommie Harris, and less notably, Mike Brown.

3. Rex Grossman deserved every joke we made about him. How that last drive didn’t result in a 4th interception, I don’t know.

3a. My quote from Friday “…Jim Nantz yelps after Grossman's third interception.”

4. Accurate ways of determining a winner were foolishly thrown out the window by Bears apologists. Contrarians and New Englanders insisted on letting bias get in the way of objectivity, especially with two weeks to build up said bias. Picking Indianapolis made all the sense in the world. What’s wrong with saying, “While I’m pulling for underdog Chicago, I just gotta take that jerk Peyton Manning because the Colts are just better.”?

5. ESPN Page 2 columnists like Bill Simmons, Scoop Jackson, and Jamele Hill all took the Bears. Ron Jawarski, Mel Kiper, and Sal Paolantonio too the Colts by 10, 13, and 11, respectively. The Colts won by 12.

6. I’m not exactly sure what constitutes “big” when I said the Colts are going to win big. Twelve points might not be enough for a scoreboard blow out. That being said, the Colts dominated on both sides of the ball and were driving within 2 minutes and allowed themselves to turn the ball over on downs.

7. Don’t get down against the Colts. The only way the Bears could have won was in a blowout, and that was a long shot at best. All other scenarios were too much to overcome for them. They were in a close game and then they were down two scores. In both scenarios, the Bears, and especially their joke of a quarterback, stunk, as predicted.

8. The Colts fell down very early and could not possibly be counted out.

9. I acknowledged that the game could very well be close midway through the 3rd quarter, but I foresaw that the Colts would end up pulling away convincingly. (Note: Saj said the game could be 16-13 with 8 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. The score was 16-14. The guy is good.)

10. It was not a good Superbowl.

Saj, I have more to say, and I'm not nearly done ripping the Bears and all who took them to win. I'll allow this time now to let you get some words in on the Superbowl that was.


At the very beginning of the game last night, after Devin Hester's kick-off return for the touchdown, I asked Ian to apologize in this space when the Bears win. And he requested the same of me in the seemingly unlikely event of a Bears loss. Well, the unlikely came to pass. Hell froze over, it was a sloppy rain-filled game, and Prince's performance caused old people across the nation to wonder 1) who the nice young lady performing at halftime was and 2) why she didn't get that moustache of hers taken care of.

Since Ian, after the game, advised me not to engineer the back-handed faux-apology which I was, in fact, engineering at the time, here is as sincere an apology as I am capable:

I am sorry that Lovie Smith played his safeties so far back in the Cover 2 that he left Peyton Manning with perfect little dink and dunk passes under the zone instead of forcing him to throw the ball down the field through a driving rain. I am also sorry that somehow Chicago safety Chris Harris botched the coverage so badly that Reggie Wayne was left wide open and streaking down the field for the Colts first touchdown. On that play, Wayne was more open than a Chinese restaurant on Christmas.

I am sorry that Rex Grossman did not win the MVP award. He contributed more to the Colts win than any other single player. How does he fumble the snap? TWICE?? Say all you want about nerves, but Rex Grossman has been taking snaps as a quarterback for at least fifteen years of his life. And between the University of Florida and starting games in the NFL, he's played his fair share of crowds. I don't believe in nerves, I believe in poor preparation and poor execution. And he executed just as poorly as he did during the season. After that second interception I was praying for a Griese sighting. Hell, even give me Kyle Orton and his fabulous neck beard. SIDENOTE: I've had a beard for going on eight months now and only two things have lead me to consider shaving it. The first: eating an ice cream cone. It's very messy and your face smells like ice cream for the rest of the day. The second: Kyle Orton's neckbeard. Homeless, terrorist, ugly, I can take all those. But the day someone compares my beard to Kyle Orton's is the day I nair the motherf***** right off.

I'm sorry that CBS followed up the ratings bonanza Superbowl telecast with "Criminal Minds"; a generically terrible, mindless crime drama that only 75 year olds watch from it's full stable of generically terrible, mindless crime dramas that only 75 year olds watch. If anything, choose that timeslot to launch one of your generically terrible, mindless reality shows that could hit across demographics. In the end the blame is shared between Nielsen Media Research and the Midwest.

And lastly I am sorry for America. And no I'm not talking about how much the commercials sucked or how we had to hear Shannon Sharpe flubber on at halftime about all the fumbles. I'm talking about the fact that Peyton Manning won a Superbowl. As a rule, it's never good for this country when the best player in the league wins the Lombardi trophy while we're at war. Think back to the great wars that America has won. The Revolutionary War. The War of 1812. The Civil War. World Wars I and II. During exactly none of those wars did the best football player in the NFL win the Superbowl. I am certain of this. With the way things are going in Iraq and Afghanistan this does not bode well for the country.

Bottom Line: Peyton Manning does not support our troops.


I appreciate your humor, your hatred of Peyton Manning, like the Dark Side, clouds everything, even what's right in front of you. What would Tom Brady's solution to the Deep Cover 2 have been? The exact same as Peyton Mannings. Why can't you just appreciate what Peyton Manning just did? He just Bradied the Pats and the Bears. He took everything the defense gave him. What do you think would have happened if Lovie Smith tightened up the Cover 2? The Bears would have been beaten deep. I think it was the Deep Cover 2 that kept the Bears in the game for that long, anyway. The Colts were the far superior team last night.

And you know what? They'd be the far superior team every night. For those who picked the Bears, I'd be curious as to how they would have answered this question before the game: If these two teams played 100 times, would the Bears win more than half? Would anyone outside of Illinois said yes? So why would someone pick the Bears to win the game. Saj, if these two teams played 100 times, the Colts would win more than 80. They dominated this game and you know it.

I mean, look at what went wrong for the Colts and right for the Bears early last night. The Bears knew they couldn't get down early. Grossman and the running game needed a lead and they got it. Hester returned the opening kickoff for a TD. Manning threw a pick in his first drive and looks shaky early. The Colts botch an extra point. Vinatieri misses a field goal. It's the first Superbowl with rain, surely helping the team that relies on running and defense! Everything the Bears needed to happen did happen. And they still got smoked.

What else could Bears fans have hoped for? Grossman not to suck? How could anyone count on that? The first joke cracked by my ninth grader this morning was that he should have won the MVP. I seriously don't know how anyone could have picked the Bears in this one. The quarterback disparity was just too large. The only times quarterbacks nearly as bad as Grossman won Superbowls in the last ten years was Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson, and they had two all time defenses on their team, not to mention they were facing Kerry Collins and Rich Gannon. Other than those two situations, which quarterbacks have won the last 20 Superbowls? Look at these names: Brady, Warner (MVP season), Elway, Favre, Young, Aikman, Simms, Montana, and two time pro-bowler Mark Rypien.

My point? Taking Grossman over Manning is a joke, especially when Manning's team is more talented.


You know what? YOU'RE A JOKE. You ever think of that? Huh?

And tell your son of a bitch ninth grader that the Grossman for MVP joke was my joke first (unless he's reading this). I'll get you for this, Peyton Manning!


Game, Set, Match: Ian. I look forward to our baseball predictions next month...