Football Friday: Week 17

Editors' note: Every week, these two idiots will play a Pick 'Em NFL game. The object is for each editor to pick four seemingly even NFL matchups from the upcoming weekend, challenging the other pick to the winners. A running record will be tallied. Feel free to play along at home. Leave comments with your own picks if you want to go on the record.

Standings (Week 16 in parentheses)
Ian 28-20 (1-3)
Saj 21-27 (2-2)

I'll kick us off with some housekeeping. That reminds me of some dialogue from The West Wing.

Sam: Let me tell you people something. The GAO needs a little housekeeping, and that's my nickname, okay? I'm "The Housekeeper."
[beat]
Sam: God, that's a terrible nickname.
Josh: Well, start getting used to it for a while.

Anyway, here's the housekeeping. First, we're pushing Football Friday up to Thursday. My holiday weekend begins a little early, but the final week must be contested, as it's Saj's last hope to win the contest.

This is where you, the loyal reader of Around the Blog, might wonder, "But Ian, your worthy but misguided opponent Saj cannot win. With only four games to choose from each week, he cannot make up a seven game deficit!" And cue the second piece of housekeeping.

To celebrate the final week of a crazy NFL season, we are each picking all 16 games on the NFL's slate. For those keeping track at home, Saj must win 8 more than me to take the contest. Therefore, if I win 4 this weekend, he must win 12. This is all my way of making him feel like he's a loser for a third straight week.

On with the show...

1. NY Giants at Washington (Saturday, 8:00) - The Giants started out at 6-2 and have since been 1-6. The main difference? Quality of opponents. They played mostly bad teams the first half of the season and mostly good ones the rest of the way. Washington falls under the "bad" category. Pick: New York

2. Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (Sunday, 1:00) - You know what, I'm just going to go ahead and pick all the home teams who need a win to get into the playoffs. Knowing this NFL season, however, that's probably a death knell. Pick: Cincinnati

3. Detroit at Dallas (1:00) - See above. Pick: Dallas (This is probably the lock of the week. Dallas needs the win for a shot at a home game in the playoffs, and Detroit needs the loss to clinch the top pick, which they'll try to trade, be unsuccessful, end up taking Brady Quinn, and finally fire Matt Millen. Everybody wins. As for Dallas, Parcells would really be wise to let Bledsoe see some snaps before going to him in the playoffs.)

4. New England at Tennessee (1:00) - See above two. Pick: Tennessee (Belichick loses on purpose. We'll see Matt Cassel and Vinny in this one, as well as a running back you never heard of. Also, loyal readers might remember our Patriots predictions from last August, where we agreed on an 11-5 finish with a division title wrapped up by the final week.)

5. Jacksonville at Kansas City (1:00) - See above three. Pick: Kansas City (I would love to see a Denver Broncos screw job this weekend, but it needs a Chiefs victory to happen.)

6. St. Louis at Minnesota (1:00) - I usually hate picking St. Louis on the road, but Minnesota is a similar place to play, and the Rams offense was on fire last week. That and the Vikings suck. Pick: St. Louis

7. Carolina at New Orleans (1:00) - The Saints are locked into the two seed,with a win getting them nothing and a loss costing them nothing. The Panthers, meanwhile, need to win to have a shot at the playoffs. Pick: Carolina

8. Oakland at NY Jets (1:00) - See 2, 3, and 4. Pick: New York. (The Jets did not come this far and upend everyone's expectations to lose a game to the worst team in the league. Also, all the Raiders will be scoreboard watching the Lions game...except for Art Shell, who will be watching nothing in particular.)

9. Seattle at Tampa Bay (1:00) - Poor Seattle. They lost their best two players midway through the year, struggle to win their division, have to fly down to Tampa to play a meaningless game, then fly back to Seattle to host an NFC East team in the first round. Not good times. Pick: Seattle

10. Cleveland at Houston (1:00) - If I was NBC, I definitely would have taken this game as part of the flex package. Pick: Houston

11. San Francisco at Denver (4:15) - See 2, 3, 4, and 8. Pick: Denver (But I'll reeeeeeaaaly be pulling for an upset here. This game and the Indy game could seriously impact the Patriots chances in the playoffs.)

12. Miami at Indianapolis (4:15) - Can we even be confident with a Colts win here? They're an absolute mess. I'll swallow my pride and pull for the Dolphins in this game, as a Colts loss coupled with a New England win gets the Pats the 3 seed and, more importantly, a delayed date with San Diego, who might be upset in round 2, thereby setting up an AFC Championship game in Foxboro. Sound feasible? Come on, Miami! Pick: Indianapolis

13. Atlanta at Philadelphia (4:15) - If I had to rank the pathetic good teams, the Falcons would definitely be third behind the Colts and Giants. How can fans of those teams look at themselves in the mirror? Pick: Philadelphia

14. Arizona at San Diego (4:15) - Regular season mission almost accomplished. The Chargers are one game away from homefield throughout the playoffs. The Cardinals are one game away from doing the same thing they do every January. Pick: San Diego.

15. Buffalo at Baltimore (4:15) - I just got this feeling. Pick: Buffalo

16. Green Bay at Chicago (8:15) - At first, I questioned NBC's decision earlier this week to choose this game for Sunday Night Football. One team (Green Bay) might be eliminated by 7:30 on Sunday night. The other team (Chicago) has the #1 seed all wrapped up and might be resting some players.

And then it slowly started to dawn on me.

Either A) It's Brett Favre's last game or B) It's Brett Favre leading his team to the playoffs. Throw in that it's Chicago on December 31 (Snow and wind?), it's two superb fan bases, and it's a national look at the NFC's top team before their playoff run, and it's a pretty good matchup for NBC. I foresee huge ratings, especially if the Packers are alive.

Just imagine, as the minutes wane deeper into December 31, as New Years Day is just around the corner - as Father Time takes an extended look at all of our souls - Brett Favre, the all time great, fights off not only the Chicago Bears defense, but Father Time's sythe, in the cold and windy stage of his greatest rival's stadium. Yeah, that's good television.


"10. Cleveland at Houston (1:00) - If I was NBC, I definitely would have taken this game as part of the flex package. Pick: Houston..."

Priceless. There's nothing quite like a Derek Anderson, David Carr quarterback duel. And speaking of poor David Carr.... poor David Carr. It's like the Texans have steadfastly refused to build an offensive line in front of him. And just when he thought he was going to spend the next decade throwing screen passes to Reggie Bush, they take Mario "Sam Bowie" Williams. The Texans f***** up. Well, David, there's always the CFL.

Before I get to my picks for this week: I spent a few hours or so yesterday sorting out the the strength of victory and strength of schedule tiebreaking scenarios in the event of the New York Giants and the Green Bay Packers both winning their games tomorrow. I'm talking pages of notes, calculations, protractors, slide rules, supercomputers, everything. And then today I realized that others in the media get paid to do this and present in a coherent manner. Damn you, Associated Press. I will spare you my methodology and the lengthy explanations, just read that link. Anyway, here are my picks:

1. NY Giants at Washington (1:00) - Barring wins from Detroit, Minnesota, and two of Arizona/San Francisco/Miami, if the Giants win they pretty much guarantee themselve a spot in the playoffs. It's too bad they won't win because they're playing terrible football. Meanwhile the Redskins may have nothing to play for, but they aren't playing like it having beaten New Orleans and having lost two close games to Philadelphia and St. Louis in their last three. REDSKINS

2. Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (1:00) - Bill Cowher wins this game. Bill Cowher retires. Bill Cowher comes back in three years to coach the Browns. Bill Cowher is hated in Pittsburgh. Bill Cowher refers to himself in the third person. STEELERS

3. Detroit at Dallas (1:00) - Detroit tries to throw this game to guarantee at shot at the top pick but somehow they screw that up too. Matt Millen gets a ten year contract extension after the game and Detroit fans express their happiness by burning half the city. DETROIT

4. New England at Tennessee (1:00) - Bill Belichick is a smart coach. But he is also a proud coach. No way he lets Vince "Wonderlic Wonderboy" Young win this game. Brady plays the first half and then the Cassel/Testaverde machine takes over. PATRIOTS

5. Jacksonville at Kansas City (1:00) - The winner of this game makes nine wins. That's pretty big, especially if (and when) the Broncos and and the Jets lose. I really think Kansas City wins this game, but since you picked them I'm going with Jacksonville. JAGUARS

6. St. Louis at Minnesota (1:00) - Minnesota has to win for the convoluted Packers-Giants tiebreaking scenario to be resolved in favor of the Packers. Therefore I take the Vikings. Logical to the end. VIKINGS

7. Carolina at New Orleans (1:00) - Sean Payton doesn't take it easy this week even though the Saints really have nothing to play for. With the bye week they'll already have a good deal of rest and it's best not to get rusty. Unless Brees is nursing an injury, he'll play the entire game. Look for a lot of Deuce McCallister, look for a lot of just trying not to get hurt. Look for the Panthers to suck in a game they need to win. SAINTS

8. Oakland at NY Jets (1:00) - Do I really need to explain myself? I mean, really? Last night at a bar I trying to convince a Jets fan that the Jets suck and that Chad Pennington is mentally retarded. In response he asked me what I would say if the Jets won the Superbowl and I told him I'd say pretty much the same thing. But that's like asking me what I would say if I saw a centaur and unicorn fighting over a pastrami sandwich. I mean, everyone knows unicorns are vegan so it would never happen. RAIDERS

9. Seattle at Tampa Bay (1:00) - Two words. Three syllables. Tim Ratty. Enough said. BUCCANEERS

10. Cleveland at Houston (1:00) - Mario Williams has 4.5 sacks this season. Reggie Bush has 1200+ yard from scrimmage and seven touchdowns. I can't take a team that sabotages itself like that. Gotta go with my man, Romeo. BROWNS

11. San Francisco at Denver (4:15) - This game is a must win for the 49ers in terms of the Packers-Giants tiebreaker. And beating Denver makes the AFC playoff picture that much more interesting. I don't fear Denver in the playoffs as much as Ian does. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate lead to suffering. 49ERS.

12. Miami at Indianapolis (4:15) - What has twenty-two legs and sucks? If you guessed a twenty-two legged vampire bat, you'd be wrong. It's the Colts defense. Get it? You see, there are eleven players on the defensive side of a football team and each of those players has two legs. I'll give it some time to sink in. DOLPHINS

13. Atlanta at Philadelphia (4:15) - Atlanta wins this game. Philly, due to the Dallas loss, still wins their division. Jim Mora Jr. accepts a job offer from the Temple University football team at halftime. ATLANTA

14. Arizona at San Diego (4:15) - Another one of the games that has to go in the Packers favor in the event of a tiebreaker. San Diego wants homefield, but they'll be happy to get out of this game without any injuries. CARDINALS

15. Buffalo at Baltimore (4:15) - Buffalo needs this game to end the season at 8-8 and I believe in them. But I don't believe in them enough to score points on this Baltimore defense. Final score: Baltimore 10, Buffalo -6. RAVENS

16. Green Bay at Chicago (8:30) - You didn't pick a winner for this game, so I'm going to pick one for you. You picked Chicago. You're against the spirit of competition and you don't want to see the Packers in the playoffs. You hate Brett Favre and you hate America. Just move to Kandahar and change your name to Ian Walker Lindh. PACKERS!


HaHA! You totally fell for it. I had no idea who to take Sunday night. Who are the most inconsistent players in the NFL? Any list that doesn't include Mike Vick and Brett Favre at the top should be exposed to 451 degrees of heat.

Anyway, as I can see that SNF game going in a myriad of ways, I thought I'd dupe you into making a pick before me. Then, I would take whoever you didn't. That's the only way I could guarantee greater than a 50-50 shot. Pick: Chicago

I've heard recently that this might not be Favre's last season. So I have to ask you - How will the rest of the Packers season affect Favre's decision? Does a win tomorrow night convince him to stay? Does a playoff appearance convince him to stay? Or does either one of those things convince him to go out with some dignity? What do you think?


Anything short of a Superbowl brings Brett Favre back. Favre is gonna play as long as he physically can and only a championship will keep him from coming back. Although a slightly successful playoff run might prove enough of a happy ending to leave the NFL. In short, I have no idea. GO PACKERS!