O Kobe! My Kobe! Our Fearful Trip is Done!

So Kobe Bryant is requesting a trade and Alex Rodriguez has been all but caught being unfaithful. This is like bizarro-2004 sports news. All this does is further prove that Kobe and ARod are kindred, uber-talented, douchebag spirits.

Ian, what make you of Kobe's trade demand? I really don't think he wants to leave the Lakers and this is something he won't realize until February of next year when he's playing for a 12-win Charlotte team. And isn't it about damn time we stop allowing superstars to exert such control over franchises? Why can't they be more like the polite Mr. Kevin Garnett who toils silently for a team that is both unable and unwilling to add the right players to win him a championship?


I think Kobe is right in his demands. I mean, at this point, shouldn't they have acquired a 7 foot, 300 pound hall of fame center to help win Kobe some championships? Oh, wait, Kobe ran the best teammate of his career out of LA.

And now he's angry at Lakers brass for not getting him help? When he chased away the best center of this generation? Please.

Now, Kobe Bryant is a magnificent player. For several years I've been saying he's the best player in the league and I still believe this. But the audacity he has to sign a humongous contract (read: tie up a large sum of money), obviously demand Shaquille O'Neal to be traded so Kobe could be The Man, and then complain to the front office that they don't get help for him (What is Lamar Odom, chopped liver?) is fundamentally absurd.

My prediction: Kobe isn't going ANYwhere. LA is the spot for the Kobe Bryant's of the world, not to mention the Lakers needs the Kobe Bryant's of the world. Jack Nicholson pays way too much money to watch 75 cents on the dollar. If, however, we want to entertain his demand, where would he go?

Well, the Western Conference is out. A vengeful Kobe Bryant is not someone I'd want to play 4 times in a regular season than in a possible playoff series.

Further eliminations:
Miami (Shaq)
Cleveland (Needs to be the unequivocal man)
Detroit (Not disrupting that squad)
Charlotte (Not nearly enough to give to LA. Okafor and capspace is not nearly enough to fill that void.)
Indiana (NOTHING to offer after Jermaine O'Neal, not even a pick.)
Orlando (NOTHING to offer besides Dwight Howard, not even a pick, and there's no way they move Howard anyway.)
Toronto (Great fit for Kobe if Toronto can keep Bosh, but Ford and Bargnani not enough to get Bryant to Canada.)

I think everyone else has a chance to sign him. Possible deals, alphabetical order:
Atlanta - Joe Johnson, Marvin Williams, #3 pick (LA backs out, needs future 1st rounder)
Boston - Paul Pierce, Gerald Green, #5 pick (Boston backs out, offers Delonte West or Kendrick Perkins instead of Green. La Backs out.)
Chicago - Ben Gordon, Loul Deng, #9 pick (LA backs out, asks for Hinrich in addition)
Milwaukee - Redd, Bogut, Villanueva, #6 pick (this could happen)
New Jersey - Vince Carter, Josh Boone, #17 pick (Vince sells the tickets, at least. Could happen)
New York - Marbury, David Lee, Spike Lee (LA backs out, Marbury is a cancer)
Philly - Iguodala, Dalembert, #12 pick (LA backs out, because they'd be trading Kobe Bryant for guys name Iguodala and Dalembert.)
Washington - Arenas, the #16, next year's first rounder (Might do it.)

That leaves us with Milwaukee, New Jersey, and Washington. Milwaukee and New Jersey are wastelands that Kobe wants not part of. Washington is tempting for him. He has help in Jamison and Butler, there's a lot of marketing possibilities in the capital, not to mention his extramarital affairs fit right in with Congress.

However, Kobe's not going anywhere. And yes, I just realize I wasted 15 minutes of my life going over the possibilities of the impossible. Whatever.