Why Do Animals Explode in Microwaves? What about Dallas Cowboys!

Reader Darren (I've always wanted to call someone "Reader _____") from Buloxi, Idaho, sent the following query via email:

"Completely unrelated to sports: Why do animals explode in microwaves yet paper towels can survive with any harm (i.e. bursting into flames)? I am sure your readers would appreciate such a topic being addressed since it is one of the fundamental questions mankind has had since the invention of the microwave oven. "

First of all, I'm glad you asked such an important question, Darren. Second of all, who's to say this is completely unrelated to sports? Not me!

To begin, let's analyze the conventional wisdom regarding placing non-conventional items in a microwave. A microwave works by introducing microwave radiation to a food product, pet, or G.I. Joe, and exciting its molecules in a process called dielectric heating. Since water is easily excitable in that manner, and paper towels are not, cute and furry animals which are made largely of water tend to explode as the molecules within them start bouncing around like Mexican jumping beans in a bowl of gazpacho. And paper towels do not burn, I imagine, for the opposite reason (and also a lack of sufficient heat/oxygen).

The implications for sports are many and varied. For example, let's see what would happen if we put different members of the 2006 Dallas Cowboys inside our very hypothetical person-sized microwave:

1. Terrell Owens. Ah yes, fulfilling the fantasy of Eagles' fans everywhere. Taking what we learned above about microwaves, I scientifically believe that Terrell Owens would create for us quite a spectacular explosion if he were to ever be microwaved. "Of course," you say, "he is a human being who is some arbitrarily high percentage water." Not so. He is no ordinary human being. Terrell Owens is actually full of s***. Literally. His insides consist entirely of human fecal matter. And although the water content of human fecal matter varies, I can say with some confidence that what is inside Terrell Owens is on par with, say, a runny diarrhea. Ergo: high water content, vis-a-vis: grand explosion. Concordantly.

2. Bill Parcells. Admittedly tougher to determine that Terrell Owens, Bill Parcells would heat slowly in the microwave and come out no worse for wear (although it is recommended you leave him to cool down for one or two minutes before removing). You see, Bill Parcells suffers from Gynecomastia, street name: bitch tits. Roughly half his body is composed of very large man breasts. The prevalent tissue in man breasts is either fatty tissue or connective tissue, both of which are much less reactive to the dielectric heating of the microwave oven than water.

3. Jerry Jones. It has not been conclusively proven that putting Jerry Jones in the microwave will release harmful dioxins into your food or drink, at least according to the FDA. To make the leap for this joke you have to click the link, but if you're sharp you'll see that it's a dig at Jones' elective surgeries.

4. Drew Bledsoe. Sorry to disappoint, but this would be like slapping a football helmet and some eye black on a park bench, and nuking that. The eye black might run a little but otherwise it's good to go.

5. Tony Romo. Not gonna happen. If Romo could have killed himself in a microwave after the Seattle game he would have already done it.