So here we are at the final division of this exhaustive exercise in futility. But before we get to the actual AL East (READ: Red Sox and Yankees) we have three teams to schlep through, most likely half-assedly. And before you give me the "the Blue Jays finished second last year" argument, go f**k yourself. It's a stupid argument and it holds no water.
THE TAMPA BAY (DEVIL) RAYS
Pitching: Remember when Edwin Jackson was a stud prospect for the Dodgers? I do. Sure he's still only 23 but you don't trade a 21-year-old pitching prospect unless you think he'll get hurt (Francisco Liriano) or you think he's not worth what everyone thinks he's worth (Brandon McCarthy). Ergo the trade of Edwin Jackson for the ultimately forgettable Lance Carter and Danys Baez. Of course if the trade bounty is Victor Zambrano, by all means trade the best young arm to come through your system since Dwight Gooden. That's right, I'm talking about the Mets trade of the super-awesome Scott Kazmir. Just something for Mets fans to think about... Anyway, the rest of the staff is incredibly forgettable.
Hitting: Great young outfield with three guys under 25: Rocco Baldelli, Carl Crawford, and Delmon Young, with Baldelli the most probable to be traded to make space for top prospect Elijah Dukes. Then there's Japanese import Akinori Iwamura, the least touted of the three Japanese players that posted this offseason. Iwamura might have 20 to 30 homerun power this season but he's little more than a placeholder for yet another Devil Rays top prospect, Evan Longoria. This is all without mentioning 22-year-old B.J. Upton whose poor defense is the only thing that's keeping him in his current super-utility role. The theme seems to be youth and potential. Bringing young players up early is a Catch-22 for this star-crossed franchise. The more major league service time these players have the better they will be but also the sooner they can leave for free agency. Oh, to be a professional baseball team in a market that probably shouldn't have a professional baseball team. How soon before we transfer the franchise to Puerto Rico and move a Triple-A team into that grotesque ballpark in St. Petersburg?
Miscellaneous: A two-parter. First, the Devil Rays are slated to change their team name from the "Devil Rays" to the "Rays" at some vague point at the very end of this season. I thought I'd have something funny to say about this, but I really don't. Second, Evan Longoria? No relation, I checked. And it's also not one of those Victor/Victoria, Juwanna Mann, Brandis in Ladybugs sort of things (I checked that too). Just an odd coincidence. Permit me, however, to imagine the pettite and incomparable Eva Longoria suiting up at third for the Devil Rays. Obviously her range factor would be non-existent in those heels and that short little tennis skirt she'd wear in the field, but the complete neutralization of left-handed batters is probably worth it. And for the right-handed batters maybe suit up some sexy young guy in board shorts at first. Righties are notorious bummers as proven by scientific fact (insert bisexual-switch hitter joke HERE). I'm completely convinced this is a good idea. Give Eva a low cut jersey with a pushup bra (she's not just pettite in height, unfortunately) and put a dolled-up Tony Parker in the front row behind the plate and you've got some Devil Rays games that I would watch. Additional gratuitous Eva pictures (from Maxim so I'm assuming SFW unless you work in a school and/or nunnery or you just don't want to be the pervert looking up Maxim pictures at work. Trust me, after the first few weeks it's old news and they stop talking about it behind your back.)
Devil Rays Related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Sorry can't come up with something. I'm still thinking about Eva Longoria.
Previous Previews
AMERICAN LEAGUE
AL Central
Minnesota Twins
Detroit Tigers
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
NATIONAL LEAGUE
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Minnesota Twins
Quick Tigers thought: The Tigers have the 2004 Florida Marlins written all over them, right down to the crusty, old manager with lungs blacker than freshly laid tar.
THE MINNESOTA TWINS
Pitching: Keep an eye on a developing ace in the Twins organization. His name is Johan Santana and he's got decent stuff. Methinks he has the potential to eat up some innings for the Twins this year. He better have success, because the next five guys battling for the remaining four spots in the rotation had a combined 2006 record of 36-48.
Hitting: The Twinkies return the AL MVP (Morneau) and the best hitting catcher in the game (Mauer). They don't seem to have any intention of having these two talented hitters batting next to each other, a move most teams would call a no-brainer. You put your best two hitters at the 3-4 spots in the lineup, right? Not the Twins. They've decided to split them up, interjecting the middle of the order with the serviceable Michael Cuddyer. Before you question that decision, be reminded of two things: 1) Last year, Cuddyer hit 24 homeruns with 106 RBI and 102 runs scored. 2) The Twins won their division with the same strategy. So, I guess we'll let them go against the grain on this one.
One more note on their hitting. Any organization who includes a J. Bartlett on their team is all right in my book.
Miscellaneous: Boof Bonser is engaged to an old friend from my sophomore year of college, herein referred to as JC. We got along great, and under different circumstances, something definitely could have developed. My overwhelming loyalty to my at-the-time girlfriend put me in a position where I felt bad for liking JC as much as I did and lost contact with her perhaps one year after our friendship began. By the time I became single, we had lost touch and only recently did I realize we had a mutual very good friend. When I learned that he knew her, I got excited, only to be dejected by his revelation of her current situation. My point? I hate Boof Bonser.
Twins-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/Under on when I forget about JC dating a Major League Baseball pitcher: Roughly never.
Previous Previews
AMERICAN LEAGUE
AL Central
Detroit Tigers
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
NATIONAL LEAGUE
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
THE MINNESOTA TWINS
Pitching: Keep an eye on a developing ace in the Twins organization. His name is Johan Santana and he's got decent stuff. Methinks he has the potential to eat up some innings for the Twins this year. He better have success, because the next five guys battling for the remaining four spots in the rotation had a combined 2006 record of 36-48.
Hitting: The Twinkies return the AL MVP (Morneau) and the best hitting catcher in the game (Mauer). They don't seem to have any intention of having these two talented hitters batting next to each other, a move most teams would call a no-brainer. You put your best two hitters at the 3-4 spots in the lineup, right? Not the Twins. They've decided to split them up, interjecting the middle of the order with the serviceable Michael Cuddyer. Before you question that decision, be reminded of two things: 1) Last year, Cuddyer hit 24 homeruns with 106 RBI and 102 runs scored. 2) The Twins won their division with the same strategy. So, I guess we'll let them go against the grain on this one.
One more note on their hitting. Any organization who includes a J. Bartlett on their team is all right in my book.
Miscellaneous: Boof Bonser is engaged to an old friend from my sophomore year of college, herein referred to as JC. We got along great, and under different circumstances, something definitely could have developed. My overwhelming loyalty to my at-the-time girlfriend put me in a position where I felt bad for liking JC as much as I did and lost contact with her perhaps one year after our friendship began. By the time I became single, we had lost touch and only recently did I realize we had a mutual very good friend. When I learned that he knew her, I got excited, only to be dejected by his revelation of her current situation. My point? I hate Boof Bonser.
Twins-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/Under on when I forget about JC dating a Major League Baseball pitcher: Roughly never.
Previous Previews
AMERICAN LEAGUE
AL Central
Detroit Tigers
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
NATIONAL LEAGUE
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Detroit Tigers
From a young age I was taught to not let my personal life affect my professional life. But I've gone and done it. Illness and time constraints have forced my hand. Here's an abridged preview of the Detroit Tigers, or as I like to call them, the team that lost to the worst World Series Champion in history.
THE DETROIT TIGERS
Pitching: Their pitching was, hands down, the strength of their team last year and it will be again this year. There are some questions however. Can Kenny Rogers continue to be effective at the age of 42? Also, can he be effective without smearing the ball with pine tar and peanut butter? Will Justin Verlander suffer a sophomore slump after throwing the most innings of his young career last year? Is Jeremy Bonderman ready to accept his place as one of the best pitchers in the American League? Speaking of Bonderman there's a great passage in Michael Lewis' book Moneyball where Billy Beane throws a chair against a wall when he finds out the Athletics took Bonderman with the 26th overall pick in 2001. Beane hated drafting high school pitchers. Later that year they sent him to Detroit in a deal that eventually netted them Ted Lilly. YEESH. Bullpen: As long as Joel Zumaya is kept away from guitar-themed video games and Todd Jones isn't too preoccupied as the vice-president of Associated Bio-Engineers & Consultants they'll be golden.
Hitting: The Good: Carlos Guillen, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield, The Bad: Sean Casey, The Ugly: America Ferrera. Note on Sheffield: I say we put him in a room with Brian Cashman and tell him that we'll be back in a few hours and he can do whatever he wants without reprecussions. Does he just beat him mercilessly or does he murder him? That's a tough question. Everytime I talk myself into one answer I start second-guessing myself.
Miscellaneous: Mike Maroth is set to start the season as the number five starter. Maroth lost 21 games in 2003 for the historically bad, 119-loss team. Simply amazing. Ignominious stats like losses and strikeouts (for batters) are funny things. A player with a lot of either has performed poorly, but to his credit he was allowed to perform long enough to amass such a quantity. Either way Maroth is a pretty good option for a number five.
Tigers-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Number of times Sheffield gets approached by NAMBLA to be their celebrity sponsor simply by virtue of his shady quasi-moustache: three.
Previous Previews
American League
AL Central
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
National League
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
THE DETROIT TIGERS
Pitching: Their pitching was, hands down, the strength of their team last year and it will be again this year. There are some questions however. Can Kenny Rogers continue to be effective at the age of 42? Also, can he be effective without smearing the ball with pine tar and peanut butter? Will Justin Verlander suffer a sophomore slump after throwing the most innings of his young career last year? Is Jeremy Bonderman ready to accept his place as one of the best pitchers in the American League? Speaking of Bonderman there's a great passage in Michael Lewis' book Moneyball where Billy Beane throws a chair against a wall when he finds out the Athletics took Bonderman with the 26th overall pick in 2001. Beane hated drafting high school pitchers. Later that year they sent him to Detroit in a deal that eventually netted them Ted Lilly. YEESH. Bullpen: As long as Joel Zumaya is kept away from guitar-themed video games and Todd Jones isn't too preoccupied as the vice-president of Associated Bio-Engineers & Consultants they'll be golden.
Hitting: The Good: Carlos Guillen, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield, The Bad: Sean Casey, The Ugly: America Ferrera. Note on Sheffield: I say we put him in a room with Brian Cashman and tell him that we'll be back in a few hours and he can do whatever he wants without reprecussions. Does he just beat him mercilessly or does he murder him? That's a tough question. Everytime I talk myself into one answer I start second-guessing myself.
Miscellaneous: Mike Maroth is set to start the season as the number five starter. Maroth lost 21 games in 2003 for the historically bad, 119-loss team. Simply amazing. Ignominious stats like losses and strikeouts (for batters) are funny things. A player with a lot of either has performed poorly, but to his credit he was allowed to perform long enough to amass such a quantity. Either way Maroth is a pretty good option for a number five.
Tigers-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Number of times Sheffield gets approached by NAMBLA to be their celebrity sponsor simply by virtue of his shady quasi-moustache: three.
Previous Previews
American League
AL Central
Chicago White Sox
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
National League
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
Monday, March 26, 2007
The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Chicago White Sox
Quick Indians thought: Grady Sizemore is my favorite non-Red Sox related player.
THE CHICAGO WHITE SOX
Pitching: The ChiSox have four big names loaded with a lot of talent. Names and talent, however, don't win on their own. Jose Contreras, Mark Beuhrle, Javier Vazquez, and Jon Garland are all capable of winning 15 games, but only Garland pulled it off, and even he stunk up the 2nd half of the season while posting a season long 4.51 ERA and getting bombed this spring. This is all my roundabout way of saying I don't know what to expect from these four potential aces, but if forced into a corner, we're looking at several 12-11 seasons.
The bullpen has two guys with closing experience, both of whom have great heat and good stuff. They can also be wild. They also both have the potential to have their arms fly into the 3rd base dugout after it snaps off at the shoulder. I mention this because they'll need both of these guys healthy, as no one else in that pen can pitch in the late innings. As long as these guys can go in the 8th and 9th, Chicago should be all right. But as soon as one of Thornton, Aardsma, or Masset is forced to strand the tying run on third base with one out in the eight, this team will have problems.
Hitting: I can't think of ten better lineups, so it looks like they make the top 10. Speed with a healthy Scotty Pods, smarts with veteran Darren Erstat, power with musclemen Jim Thome and Paul Konerko, clear the bases potential with Jermaine Dye, a jerk catcher who hits .300 and pumps up his teammates, and then a bottom third of the order that has exactly the positions you want at the bottom third - 2B, 3B, and SS. And Iguchi and Crede aren't even that bad of hitters.
Miscellaneous: Am I the only one that is infuriated by David Aardsma's existence in Major League Baseball? I mean, HIS name is going to appear before Henry Aaron's in the baseball encyclopedia? Really? Aardsma?
White Sox-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Line on the date when someone gets angry with the antics of manager Ozzie Guillen: Right now.
Previous Previews
AMERICAN LEAGUE
AL Central
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
NATIONAL LEAGUE
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
THE CHICAGO WHITE SOX
Pitching: The ChiSox have four big names loaded with a lot of talent. Names and talent, however, don't win on their own. Jose Contreras, Mark Beuhrle, Javier Vazquez, and Jon Garland are all capable of winning 15 games, but only Garland pulled it off, and even he stunk up the 2nd half of the season while posting a season long 4.51 ERA and getting bombed this spring. This is all my roundabout way of saying I don't know what to expect from these four potential aces, but if forced into a corner, we're looking at several 12-11 seasons.
The bullpen has two guys with closing experience, both of whom have great heat and good stuff. They can also be wild. They also both have the potential to have their arms fly into the 3rd base dugout after it snaps off at the shoulder. I mention this because they'll need both of these guys healthy, as no one else in that pen can pitch in the late innings. As long as these guys can go in the 8th and 9th, Chicago should be all right. But as soon as one of Thornton, Aardsma, or Masset is forced to strand the tying run on third base with one out in the eight, this team will have problems.
Hitting: I can't think of ten better lineups, so it looks like they make the top 10. Speed with a healthy Scotty Pods, smarts with veteran Darren Erstat, power with musclemen Jim Thome and Paul Konerko, clear the bases potential with Jermaine Dye, a jerk catcher who hits .300 and pumps up his teammates, and then a bottom third of the order that has exactly the positions you want at the bottom third - 2B, 3B, and SS. And Iguchi and Crede aren't even that bad of hitters.
Miscellaneous: Am I the only one that is infuriated by David Aardsma's existence in Major League Baseball? I mean, HIS name is going to appear before Henry Aaron's in the baseball encyclopedia? Really? Aardsma?
White Sox-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Line on the date when someone gets angry with the antics of manager Ozzie Guillen: Right now.
Previous Previews
AMERICAN LEAGUE
AL Central
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
NATIONAL LEAGUE
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Greatest Baseball Preview in America: Cleveland Indians
THE CLEVELAND INDIANS
Pitching: At the age of 25, C.C. Sabathia enjoyed his finest season as a professional last year, striking out 172 and posted a 139 ERA+. It's too bad he's an oblique strain waiting to happen. Just watch, when his fat ass rolls off the mound to field a bunt he'll do something to land himself on the DL. Somehow, Sabathia is listed at 6'5", 250 lbs. If he's only 250 then I'm the idiot that paid $500,000 for Anna Nicole Smith's diaries. The remainder of the rotation is pretty solid with 24-year-old Jeremy Sowers holding down the fifth spot in the rotation. Sowers pitched well in 88 innings last year starting 14 games with 2 complete game shutouts but only striking out 35. Bullpen: It will cost them more wins than the average bullpen this season, I guarantee it.
Hitting: Very, very good - Travis Hafner, Grady Sizemore, and Victor Martinez. Pound for pound, Hafner is the most dangerous hitter in the AL right now and Sizemore is a lock for 30-30 and the Derek Jeter of the Midwest. Potential superstar third baseman Andy Marte will be just 23-years-old this season and was the reason they could trade Kevin Kouzmanoff, a guy that hit .389 in Double A last year, to San Diego for Josh Barfield. AND they have Trot Nixon. What's not to like? Quick note on Josh Barfield: his father, Jesse, was in the original RBI baseball which begs the question how many players featured in RBI baseball have offspring who now play in the majors? I came up with Cecil Fielder then got distracted when I google imaged him. Baseball has never seen a bigger ass. One year, Alam Trammell got caught in it's orbit and had to spend 60 days on the DL.
Miscellaneous: I'm tired of the Big Papi-Shrek comparisons. He looks nothing like Shrek and frankly I think it's a bit of a subconsciously racist association. Who really does look like Shrek is Travis Hafner. Look at the facial similarities, they're remarkable. Plus he has the ogrish nickname of "Pronk."
Indians-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/under on number of all-you-can-eat enchilada places C.C. Sabathia eats out of business: seven and a half.
Previous Previews
AMERICAN LEAGUE
AL Central
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
NATIONAL LEAGUE
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington
Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
Pitching: At the age of 25, C.C. Sabathia enjoyed his finest season as a professional last year, striking out 172 and posted a 139 ERA+. It's too bad he's an oblique strain waiting to happen. Just watch, when his fat ass rolls off the mound to field a bunt he'll do something to land himself on the DL. Somehow, Sabathia is listed at 6'5", 250 lbs. If he's only 250 then I'm the idiot that paid $500,000 for Anna Nicole Smith's diaries. The remainder of the rotation is pretty solid with 24-year-old Jeremy Sowers holding down the fifth spot in the rotation. Sowers pitched well in 88 innings last year starting 14 games with 2 complete game shutouts but only striking out 35. Bullpen: It will cost them more wins than the average bullpen this season, I guarantee it.
Hitting: Very, very good - Travis Hafner, Grady Sizemore, and Victor Martinez. Pound for pound, Hafner is the most dangerous hitter in the AL right now and Sizemore is a lock for 30-30 and the Derek Jeter of the Midwest. Potential superstar third baseman Andy Marte will be just 23-years-old this season and was the reason they could trade Kevin Kouzmanoff, a guy that hit .389 in Double A last year, to San Diego for Josh Barfield. AND they have Trot Nixon. What's not to like? Quick note on Josh Barfield: his father, Jesse, was in the original RBI baseball which begs the question how many players featured in RBI baseball have offspring who now play in the majors? I came up with Cecil Fielder then got distracted when I google imaged him. Baseball has never seen a bigger ass. One year, Alam Trammell got caught in it's orbit and had to spend 60 days on the DL.
Miscellaneous: I'm tired of the Big Papi-Shrek comparisons. He looks nothing like Shrek and frankly I think it's a bit of a subconsciously racist association. Who really does look like Shrek is Travis Hafner. Look at the facial similarities, they're remarkable. Plus he has the ogrish nickname of "Pronk."
Indians-related Ridiculous Proposition Bet: Over/under on number of all-you-can-eat enchilada places C.C. Sabathia eats out of business: seven and a half.
Previous Previews
AMERICAN LEAGUE
AL Central
Kansas City Royals
AL West
Oakland Athletics
Los Angeles Angels
Texas Rangers
Seattle Mariners
NATIONAL LEAGUE
NL East
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
Washington
Nationals
NL Central
St. Louis Cardinals
Houston Astros
Cincinnati Reds
Milwaukee Brewers
Pittsburgh Pirates
Chicago Cubs
NL West
San Diego Padres
Los Angeles Dodgers
San Francisco Giants
Colorado Rockies
Arizona Diamondbacks
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