Football Friday: Week 4

Standings after three weeks:

Standings.....GB
Ian 9-3.......... --
Saj 4-8.......... 5

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Oakland pulls the old switch-a-roo on Phil Dawson, Joe Gibbs and Jason Campbell completely f**k up an otherwise awesome two minute drill, and somehow Nate Burleson catches a football thrown to him. I mean come on. Admit it, Ian. The God you don't believe in loves you. F**king loves you. Here are your games:

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions
Oakland Raiders at Miami Dolphins
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants

Gamesmanship, Ian. Giving YOU the Giants this time.


You're lucky. My respect for gamesmanship nullifies my disrespect for you. Your games:

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings (Sunday, 1:00)
New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (Sunday, 1:00)
Houston Texans at Atlanta Falcons (Sunday, 1:00)
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns (Sunday, 1:00)

I had a very difficult time finding a 3rd and 4th challenging game, so I just decided to have some fun and go with all 1:00 games. You potentially being 4-0 by 4:30 could put the pressure on me to win in the afternoon and night, but you being 1-3 (again) means I could continue squeezing the life out of you. Good times.


Green Bay at Minnesota

How about them Packers, huh? True fantasy football draft story: In the 9th round of our draft I had yet to pick a quarterback (effectively punting the position) and I turn to Ian and I say, "should I grab a QB here?" And he says, "you should have grabbed a QB four rounds ago. Yes, draft a QB." So instead I draft Devery Henderson. Yes, Devery Henderson. The draft snakes: Kitna, Roethlisberger, and Alex Smith all fall off the board and I draft Brett Favre. I'm not sure if I can truly explain how it feels when "I should have drafted Jon Kitna" is how you describe your fantasy football draft. I don't think the words exist in the English language. And since I don't speak any other languages I just can't articulate the exact mixture of dread, self-pity, and confusion I was feeling. Long story short, Favre has been pretty good so far and there's a reason for hope in Camp Saj.

New York Jets at Buffalo

You know, it's really hard to read a team that just got whomped by the best team in America, especially when they lost their starting quarterback in the process, but I'm going to have to go with Buffalo here. The Bills will be at home, they have a solid defense, and, even with rookie Trent Edwards at quarterback, Marshawn Lynch should have a field day running against a Jets defense that gave up 200 yards to Ronnie Brown last week. I truly believe that Buffalo will win this game. I swear this is not a run-of-the-mill Saj anti-Jets pick. I swear.

Houston Texans at Atlanta Falcons

Put yourself in Matt Schaub's shoes for a second. Are you upset that the Vick stuff happened after you left for Houston? Or relieved? Sure there's some talent behind the ball in Atlanta, but the playbook had been written for a Michael Vick not a Matt Schaub. And, in Houston, you're breathing life into a franchise that never had any as part of a team that is basically all yours. Texans.

Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns

To borrow a Simmons-ism: "Call me crazy, but I'm just not that excited for the Derek Anderson-era." I'm not saying Kyle Boller or Steve McNair are any better, but I am saying that Willis McGahee and Ed Reed are. To borrow a Madden-ism: "Playmakers. On both sides of the ball. Watch this... BOOM!" Sidenote: how fat is Romeo Crennel? Really fat, or really, really fat?


Going into last week, I was like, "Man, I can't possibly go 3-1 for a third consecutive week to start the season, can I? I mean, consistently getting 75% correct picks in the NFL when six to eight of the easiest games are always taken off the table is impossible, right?" But I'll be damned, I actually went 3-1 again. Did ya notice, Saj? Did ya?

But come on. I can't possibly go 3-1 AGAIN, can I?

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions: The division title is not changing hands this year. The Bears might play .500 football outside of the NFC North, but I don't think the Bears lose more than one division game all year. That includes against the rejuvinated Green Bay Packers, and it DEFINITELY includes the party-juvinated Detroit Lions. Pick: Chicago

Oakland Raiders @ Miami Dolphins: Just one thought on this pathetic game: As the home team, the Miami Dolphins have the option of wearing their white jerseys. This leaves Oakland with their blacks. In Miami. In September. You'll be lucky to get three coherant quarters of a team that's untalented to begin with. Pick: Miami

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers: Hey, these teams have been to Superbowls this century! And now they stink! Good times. Can we say enough about the Pats to be in the hunt every year for the last six? These two teams used to be premier and now I'm forced to pick between the lesser of who sucks less. When in doubt, go with the home team. Pick: Carolina

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants: Hey, another NFC divisional game! Thanks, Saj. I mean, it's such a good conference. What, you couldn't throw me an NFC West game, too? As for this one, I don't know many things, but I do know this: The Eagles are the NFC's closest version of the Patriots (good coaching, consistent effort, perennially contending in their conference), and the Giants are a bad football team. Pick: Philadelphia

Football Friday: Week 3

Standings after two weeks:

Standings.....GB
Ian 6-2.......... --
Saj 3-5.......... 3


I won't feel safe until Saj is at least 14.5 games back with three months to play. Because that kind of lead is insurmountable in sports.

Saj, good luck making up ground with these picks:

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets (Sunday, 1:00)
Minnesota Vikings at Kansas City Chiefs (Sunday, 1:00)
Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders (Sunday, 4:05)
New York Giants at Washington Redskins(Sunday, 4:15)

The "luck", friend, will need to be good for YOU. Yes. You.

St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Sunday, 1:00)
Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks (Sunday, 4:05)
Jacksonville Jaguars at Denver Broncos (Sunday, 4:05)
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons (Sunday, 4:15)


Miami Dolphins at New York Jets

I know what you're thinking, Ian. But I've learned a thing or two over the offseason- namely that it's okay to pick the Jets every once in a while. Roommate, and Jets' apologist, Rob is going to the game this weekend and he was excited because "they actually might win this one." Oh, to be a Jets fan. A year ago I would have opted to pick against the Jets with blatant disregard for whomever they're playing, but Rob's defeatist attitude has turned me, slightly. Think of this more as a sympathy nod than anything. Sympathy sidenote: No sympathy for Mangini when he goes 4-12 and loses the "Man-genius" title. Wake up, New York, the Jets scored 23 more points than they allowed last year. They're no good. But Miami is worse.
Minnesota Vikings at Kansas City Chiefs

Really? Kansas City is terrible. And Minnesota has the second coming of Tony Dorsett in Adrian Peterson. By the way, how much must it suck to be a Chiefs fan? Your franchise running back holds out all of training camp, the feel good story of the last few months (Priest Holmes) fails to make his comeback, you're 0-2 in competent quarterbacks, and HBO chose to profile you in training camp just before a 1-15 season. It's like watching the two months of a junkie's life before he goes on the 17 week bender that will leave his broken, emaciated carcass propped up against a dumpster in an alley.

Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders

Cleveland. I have a story to tell everyone. Ever since Derek Anderson's 5 touchdown performance Ian has been consistently trying to pawn him off on my in our fantasy league. And that's just insulting. Yes, I know my quarterbacks are Brett Favre and Kyle Boller. But still, shame on you, Ian. Shame on you.

New York Giants at Washington Redskins

Why do you keep doing this to me? For some reason I think the Giants are good. Maybe it's the uniforms. They do have nice ones. It's high time I realize that they aren't good. And Washington, somehow in someway, is better. If Brett Favre and Tony Romo can pick apart the Giants defense like they did then Jason Campbell will throw for 600 yards and 12 touchdowns this week. All to Santana Moss. And I will win my fantasy game by just starting him and no one else. So it has been said, so it shall be done.


I'll jump right into the picks after I say this: I successfull traded Derek Anderson today.

St. Louis Rams @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Two lousy teams here. As I foreshadowed last week, the Rams are clearly on their way down. This is the first time they opened 0-2 since Kurt Warner's squad tried to rebound from the Superbowl loss against New England. Do you think the Rams are starting to regret giving an enormous contract to a system quarterback who has a 54% completion rate after two games in St. Louis' dome? Now they go on the road. Not that the Bucs are any good, but at least they beat a talented New Orleans team last week. Pick: Tampa Bay

Cincinatti Bengals @ Seattle Seahawks: Two talented offensive teams, and the Bengals probably have the better offense. However, the Seahawks have two things going for them. One, they're playing in one of the more advantageous home fields in football. Two, they didn't give up 51 points to the Cleveland Browns. This postgame is loaded with "The Bengals have given up 90 points in the last two weeks" potential. Pick: Seattle

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Denver Broncos: Denver is without a doubt the luckiest team in football over the first two weeks...except for the Chargers and Jets, who are lucky the Patriots didn't beat them by 35 points each. I fully expect this to be a close game. And I fully expect the Broncos to once again come out on top. Pick: Denver

Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons: I'm sick of people trying to be optimistic about the Falcons. They're simply not that good, especially their offense, defense, and special teams. Stop picking them, everyone; even if they're at home. Word to the wise: wait until they win a game before picking Atlanta. Pick: Carolina

Week 2 Picks

First, standings after one week:

Standings.....GB
Ian 3-1.......... --
Saj 2-2.......... 1


Now to take that lead wire-to-wire. Saj isn't making it easy, this week giving me three very tough games.

Houston Texans @ Carolina Panthers: I rank this as the third toughest game to pick this week, though I'm truly divided. I'm very happy for Houston to start out with a win last week to energize a near dormant franchise, but let's remember it was against one of the few teams that's worse than them (Kansas City) and it was in Houston. Now they go visit a Panthers team that's coming off a hard fought win in St. Louis' dome. Simply, the Panthers beat the better team in Week 1 and this game is in Charlotte. Pick: Carolina

San Francisco 49ers @ St. Louis Rams: This is the second toughest game to pick. For the past half decade, this would have been a no-brainer, as the Niners have been mired in mediocrity while St. Louis is playing meaningful football every December and sometimes January. Throw in the fact that the Rams are at home, and it should be a gimme. Still, these two franchises are going in opposite directions. St. Louis is fulfilling the second half of the "what goes up" idiom, while San Francisco is putting together a talented young core with a competant head coach. Furthermore, the 49ers, coming off a win against Arizona to open the season, now have the opportunity to be the clear-cut #2 team in the NFC West. That's quite a motivator. Pick: San Francisco

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions: And here's the crapshoot. I have no idea who will win this game, nor do I ever when these two teams play. Neither of them have been good this millenium. They're dome teams. They both have shaky quarterbacks, head coaches, and a terrible track record in big games. So when they play each other? It's like watching Cosmo Kramer and Rob Petry race through an obstacle course. (There's a strong chance many of you are too young to get that joke.) Anyway, time to fall back on the maxim. When in doubt, take the home team. Pick: Detroit

New York Jets @ Baltimore Ravens: Annnnd easy money. Another gift from Saj. Pick: Baltimore


Those are the games you're giving me? Seriously? This could legitimately be my first 4-0 week. I am very, VERY excited.

Green Bay Packers at New York Giants

I have Brett Favre on my fantasy team and even I'm not optimistic about him against a Giants team that gave up 45 points to Tony fucking Romo. GIANTS

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals

Really? No, seriously. Did you even watch last week's Cardinals - Niners game? HAWKS

Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins

No. COWBOYS

Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles

Again. No. EAGLES

Football Friday: Week 2

Let's just call week one a tie.

Ian, your games:

Houston Texans at Carolina Panthers (Sunday, 1:00)
San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams (Sunday, 1:00)
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions (Sunday, 4:05)
New York Jets at Baltimore Ravens (Sunday, 4:15)

Au contraire, Saj, but week 1 was a perfect representation of last year. My 3-1 to your 2-2 was just like old times. I was overwhelmed with deja vu.

Let's see if you can break the pattern:

Green Bay Packers at New York Giants (Sunday, 1:00)
Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals (Sunday, 4:05)
Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins (Sunday, 4:05)
Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles (Monday, 8:30)

You see I returned your act of gamesmanship by not giving you the Pats game.

Football: Week 1 Recap

Saj, I'd like some of your thoughts on the NFL's opening week. Do you agree that:

The class of the NFL are the Patriots, Chargers, and Colts, who are fungible as football's Big Three, and then a line is drawn. After that lie the Bengals (making four AFC teams in the top 4) and Seattle and then another line to complete a Top 5. Agree or disagree?

The New England Patriots have the best offense in the NFL. Agree or disagree?

The New York Jets aren't as bad as 38-14 would imply. Agree or disagree?

The New Orleans Saints will not have a down year, they just ran into a top AFC team in Week 1. Agree or disagree?

Finally, which team, previously thought of as a playoff contender if not a playoff lock, is most in danger of becoming 0-2?


On the class of the NFL: Yes the class of the NFL are the Patriots, Chargers, and Colts (in no particular order, but really, fuck the Colts). I disagree with the Bengals as number four only because it's possible that could be the third best team in their division (yes, I know they beat the Ravens last night but that game was a dented Todd Heap shoulder pad away from going into overtime). And the Seahawks will have to show me something special to earn a top five spot in my cold heart. Watch out for: THE STEELERS.

On Patriots offense being the best: Agree, tentatively. If the offensive line looks that good all season, then yes. On some of those passing plays Tom Brady had so much time in the pocket he could have met a supermodel, impregnated her, and witnessed the birth of his second child all before releasing the ball. Maroney still does like to dance a little more than he should, but Sammy Morris is a f-ing hammer and what else can I say about the revamped receiving corps that the Randy Moss and Wes Welker tattoos on my asscheeks haven't already said?

On Jets maybe sorta not completely sucking: No, they aren't that bad. But I will tell you who is. Thomas Jones. My G-d, I haven't seen someone do the old two yards and fall over move since Jamal Anderson. Jones was literally running straight into his offensive linemen and then ricocheting to the ground. That has to be more difficult than actually avoiding them, right?

On Saints: Yes they ran into a good team, at home, playing great football. BUT, the Saints don't have the easy schedule they had a year ago. And their defense is terrible. The ten wins they had last year could easily turn into eight.

Most in danger of going 0-2: The Baltimore Ravens